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Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang…When Your Booty Gets the Call

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Some of you got laid last night…and some of you spent the evening polishing your equipment. For those of you who got laid, you either went out for the hunt, had it delivered to your door, or you’re in a committed VOD (vajayjay on demand) relationship.

But, there are a few of you creeping out of apartments this morning because you got the booty call.

It’s a bit of a rush isn’t it? Normally when we discuss the booty call, it’s from a woman’s (insulted) perspective…as in “I can’t believe his drunk ass called me for booty at 2 in the morning!” But there are those times when she gets the urge and instead of “painting her nails”, she wants to get a manicure.

Here’s an important thing you should know about women though: not all late night calls are booty calls. I know in your world they are, but – and yes I know I say this a lot – you have to pay attention so as not to misstep. For instance:

She has a roster. Booty calls for women aren’t random. She’s not just targeting any old dude for sex…so hopefully you weren’t mediocre. In this age of super multitasking sex toys and porn online, she’s not looking for the standard “Sunday morning marriage-type sex”…she wants the OH MY FUCKING GAWD kind of sex…the orgasms that make her legs shake, the kind where her neighbours two doors over know your name. There are usually, erm, 2-3 guys on that list…they’re single, they’re hot and they’re fantastic at what they do. Wham bam does NOT get you on a roster…it gets you benched and polishing your equipment.

Your ex probably has you on her roster. That’s why exes keep your number…admit it, that’s why YOU kept her number. When I say ex, I don’t just mean ex-girlfriend or wife…exes also include jump-offs that faded (usually because someone went the commitment route), the 3 dates but nothing happened, the summer fling, the winter fling that you got rid of in time for the summer fling…

However, it doesn’t mean that by calling for your booty that she wants the rest of you back. Generally it means that she wants sex from someone who already knows what to do and where to put it. Besides, ex-sex is usually of the OMFG variety.

Booty calls aren’t just for 1 a.m. anymore. Mid-day booty happens mostly on the weekend…when she’s bored, she’s cleaned her place from top to bottom, run all her errands, gone shopping and is now twiddling her thumbs. She starts thinking about the last time she got some booty…pulls out the super multi-tasking sex toy and thinks, “naaaaah”. That’s when your phone rings, the BBM goes off, or you get a text. Oh and “hang out” is such a guy phrase. She’s going to suggest a specific activity, but that activity is generally code for OMFG sex. We’ll invite you to watch a movie rental, help us with something we don’t really need help with – like the girl who works in IT asking you to come over for computer help, foodies will invite you for a meal…etc. If the activity strikes you as something you know doesn’t require two people or that you normally don’t get called for…shower and give her an ETA. Be very careful of the phrase “hang out”, because women will use it to really mean hang out. Unless she says it at 2 a.m., then it’s safe to say it’s for booty.

Booty calls from women are literally windows of opportunity – with a deadline. Whereas you might call for booty at 10 p.m. but still accept the booty if it comes to you at 2 a.m., she’s going to give you a timeframe. If you take your sweet time getting there, you’re screwed…well, actually you’re not. See, guys prep for a booty call by (hopefully) taking a shower and getting rid of distractions (i.e. your boy playing Madden on your couch). Women prep by prepping themselves, the bedroom and the apartment in general…so all that effort and you’re late? She’s pulling out the super multi-tasking sex toy and ignoring your calls. If she says “be here in an hour”, show up in an hour, okay? Good.

She’s not going to want to talk, cuddle or go for brunch the next day. You know how you have a booty call over and as soon as you bust a nut, you start thinking of the things you want to do next? Surprise! So does she. Like get a real manicure, meet her friends for brunch (or in the case of the mid day booty, dinner), read a book, do laundry. So please don’t attempt the fake intimacy thing. Keep it to small talk, have plans for after (plans that can be broken if more sex is imminent though), and be ready to leave. As for the morning after, she’s not making you breakfast or coffee. If you have to ask…sigh. If she’s come to you and makes moves to leave, do not ask her to stay unless you are asking her to stay for more sex. Make sure she gets home safely, whether you are driving her or calling a cab and requesting the “I’m home” text. This isn’t you trying to be “boyfriend material”; this is you being a courteous human being – stop confusing the two.

Speaking of courtesy, a few things you should come equipped with: condoms (yes, she called you, but again, it’s a sign that you’re a human being). Come clean (this ball washing in the sink thing has GOT to stop!), turn your phone to vibrate, (your X-Files themed ringtone is very inappropriate during foreplay) and come with no other expectations; you are here to GIVE booty.

At the time of this writing, it’s almost time for the Sunday Brunch Booty Calls…I’d go take a shower if I were you…

he said / she said: the “nice guy curse”

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The first post of its kind on HLBB!! A true “he said/she said” observation on a topic. Please welcome to the HLBB realm Mr. J. Pearson, a member of Live a Good Life – a lifestyle blog here in Toronto.

For this first “he said /she said” post we’re discussing the “nice guy curse”… J’s points start us off, and my rebuttals are the italicized text in brackets…check it out, have your say in the comments section and let’s start a dialogue. Ready? Set…GO:

he said:

Some of us have heard the saying before “Nice guys finish last”. Speaking as a former nice guy, I can tell you that nice guys do not always finish “last”. To fully speak on the nice guy phenomena, I would have to submerge my mind into all the situations in which it can occur, for the sake of this article I will mainly speak about one.

(Alrighty, let’s go…)

The nice guy isn’t hard to spot in a crowd; he is often described as “such a good friend” or “so easy to talk to”, but on the inside he yearns for something more. The truth about him is that he wants to be anything but. He seems to find himself being stuck in the dreaded “friend zone”. If you’ve never heard of this term, I will explain it to you: The friend zone is a dangerous place for a guy, especially if he likes the person that has banished him into that realm. What happens is that the female no longer looks at him as an option, but often turns to him when her other boyfriends treat her wrong.

(Women have the friend zone just as much as men do. Except men call it the “she’s not my first choice to fuck, but she’s cool to hang with so maybe one day I’ll try it” zone. Not everyone is going to have chemistry with each other, and should you as a guy stick around if she’s not feeling you? If you keep stepping up, hoping that she’ll see you’re “the one” after one of those breakups, should you not take responsibility for yourself and your feelings and move on?)

In other words you become her crutch. Slowly but surely this becomes redundant until Mr. Nice Guy builds up the courage to tell the girl how he really feels. The response is almost universal: “I do love you, but as a friend…” Girls might not know this, but those words are the equivalent to being kicked in the testicles.

(There is something to be said about the benefits of having a female friend, but this isn’t one of those situations. HOW did you become her crutch? Trust us, we KNOW the words “I love you like a friend” are like a kick to the balls, it’s equivalent to the feeling we get when we flirt with you, you sense it, and then turn around and ask our girl out on date. Again I ask, HOW did YOU let yourself get in this position? Nine times out of ten, we DO want your friendship, you do have all the qualities that we adore and appreciate – and dare I say it, look for – in a man, BUT we don’t want to fuck you. Ever have a girl in your life like that? HOW do you know she doesn’t feel that way about you? A.k.a the curse of the “Nice Girl”)

Irony tends to kick in after a while, usually after a female has been through about ten bad relationships; the “bad boy” image becomes jaded. This is when she smartens up and starts to search for a nice guy. The problem is the same guys she turned down years ago have now moved on to bigger and better things. Again the response to this is universal “Where did all the nice guys go?”

(Define NICE. See, when I hear that word to describe a guy, he’s usually the wimp. I’m an Alpha type female [in case you haven’t noticed] and “nice” guys are a turn off for me [and a few other women I know]. Call it a case of “throwback-itis”, but there are very few women who want a man they can “run”. We don’t purposely search for badasses, but we often mistake that badassness for DSS. When we realize that he doesn’t possess swagger and he’s just an asshole, that’s when it ends, and we whine about the lack of nice guys. When we say “nice”, it doesn’t necessarily mean “does whatever I ask and puts me on a pedestal”, it means “treats me with respect, kindness, but can display to me that he is his own man”. Imagine if you will, a female friend – the kind you don’t want to fuck – cooking your meals, helping to solve your problems, and hell, she even gives you a good lineup every two weeks and always tell you how good your look. WHY would you want to get rid of someone like that? Well, it’s really no different than you being her “fill in” date to a wedding, putting up her shelves or, even you picking her up from a day of shopping to go and have coffee with, while she tells you about ANOTHER bad date. Look, you want to impress her? Develop yourself outside of her shadow…’cause that’s all she’s seeing you in.)

Here is the answer to that question; the nice guys were the ones you ignored or turned down during high school (present day). The reality is most (of us) have grown up and now understand how the game works.

(This isn’t a game…we just don’t want to fuck you.)

Let me make something clear though, don’t get ahead of yourself nice guys, I am not suggesting you be a nice guy all the time.

(I read this as: let your balls drop yo, man up every once in a while)

Think about it: being a nice guy in the professional world doesn’t get you anywhere, neither does being the nice guy in a relationship. To be frank, being the nice guy is not a healthy lifestyle at all. This is why I’ve evolved into being the “smart guy” A smart guy knows which girls are worth being nice to and those who are worth the one night stand treatment. A smart guy can tell the difference between a woman he just wants to have sex with and a woman he wants to marry. A smart guy still has friends who are girls but does not get too involved in their love life. A smart guy is the halfway point between that bad boy image girls seem to be drawn to and the nice guy image that they look for down the road of life.

(I want to know why a nice guy can’t differentiate between the woman he wants to marry and the woman he wants to fuck. Why is this only the smart guy? Women aren’t drawn to bad boys, we are drawn to CONFIDENCE. Nice guys lack a certain level of confidence, the “smart guy” in this story is one that has developed a backbone and stands on his own merits, rather than standing on a pile of nice things he did for women in hopes of getting some pussy…)

(Ladies, I’m going to leave him the last word…but please weigh in…)

So women, next time you find yourself wondering where all the nice guys have gone, think about how many male friends you’ve had confess their feelings for you, only to be condemned to the friend zone? The number you come up with will represent only a small fraction of the nice guys that may or may not exist.

The 12 Women You Meet in Life – #3: The Throwback Girl

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I know darlings, I’ve been a bit delinquent on this…so let’s get started shall we?

The Throwback Girl. Readers my age and younger were raised by the feminists. The women who went out into the work force to bring home the bacon, or by the women who ran households like mini corporations, or, who did both. So we’re used to a certain type of woman: assertive, independent, fearless…Then you meet the Throwback Girl. The one with only one goal: to be a wife and mother. Now you’re thinking: “don’t most women want to get married and have kids?” Yes darlings…but this is ALL the Throwback Girl wants

Her Methods
You gained 20 lbs in the first year because you were fed so well…you forgot how to separate your whites from your darks…your house was clean…your social life was organized with outings, double dates and birthday parties. But, you weren’t even living together (yet). She still lived at home; as her family didn’t expect her to leave until she got married; and she possibly went to school (for something like General Arts and Science) or had a job (in the service industry). Okay, now this is in no way an insult to the Throwback Girl (although regular readers can probably tell I’m not one). They have aspirations for that life much in the way I wish to rule the world. We have to have both.

An Example
I remember the first time I met a Throwback Girl. She was and is one of my dearest friends. We bonded in our teens because, well, we both wanted to take over the world. She travelled, had her adventures, created things, won awards…

Then she met Jonathan. Jonathan is a sweetheart, a quiet, studious guy who is truly a renaissance man. Close to his family who are the ultimate example of tradition. Y’know, Mom and Dad married over 40 years, Jonathan is Jonathan III (and the eldest of 5), and still lives on the same street he grew up on.

“Suddenly” my girl was going antiquing with her mother in law to be. She moved to the small town (they eventually bought a house across the street from his parents). “Suddenly” she was an amazing cook who walked to the bread store to get bread. She stopped driving (literally, if Jonathan is not available to drive she won’t go anywhere that isn’t in walking distance). She complained about the stresses of running the business they had built together. Where I thought I had been seeing a “power couple” in the making, I was really seeing the birth of a Throwback Girl.

Flash forward 8 years later. I had a disappointing relationship fall through because my boyfriend was chasing a dream with no plan (long story). When Ms. – sorry MRS. Throwback found out she said “I really thought that you would stand behind your man…that’s what’s right.”

Me: *blank stare* Did YOU just say ‘stand behind your man’? Really? To ME?

The Explanation
I’ve known Mrs. Throwback since we were about 17 and you know what? There were signs. She hasn’t been forced into the role of wife and mother…she wanted it all along. Did she bait and switch Jonathan? Nope. Because this was the life Jonathan had; there’s nothing unusual about this.

Mrs. Throwback went from a world travelling, business building type of woman who “agreed with the concept of marriage, but isn’t sure if it’s for everyone” to a married, (traditional white princess dress, which looked gorgeous) one kid with one on the way in church every Sunday (she wasn’t religious really and wasn’t raised a Christian) type of woman who last said to me about HER business, “we need an HLBB, someone who can grow it; I have to focus on what’s important.”

I still do the *blank stare* every time she says things like that.

Why you’re attracted to her…
Easy. For all the independence in the world that women have gained, Ms. Throwback is like a breath of fresh air. She is – literally – a throwback to a time where it seems life was simpler; no competition for her attention, time or affection. You know that once you get married – and you WILL get married (she’ll only do the living together thing for so long)– that you’ll have that 2.5 kids, dog and picket fence life.

Do you marry her?
Yup. For some of you – even though the feminist movement has made you afraid to admit it – want a Throwback Girl. Some of you guys love being the provider, the caretaker, the man…you feel a surge of pride when you can do for her. But especially since you know that she is capable of “more” you start to complain…and that’s where y’all piss me off.

Yes she had a job/was in school when you met, but what did she say she was doing after that? Nothing. There was no post grad plan mentioned. No talk of a long-term career. She didn’t say anything about closing on a house/condo. She did talk about how much she loved her niece/nephew and couldn’t wait to have one of her own some day. She did talk about the co-worker who got promoted or switched jobs for more money. She did talk about how she couldn’t wait until she hit year 4 at her job, because then she got an extra week of vacation. She did talk about how she’d rather live in ‘burbs than in the city. She did not talk of going back to work after mat leave.

Then there’s the backlash: no afternoons playing call of duty or hanging with your (single) friends because there are groceries to buy (drive herself? What?)…family to visit…baths to be given. You haven’t gone to a party that started AFTER 7 p.m. in years. The only classes she attend are the mommy and me ones… you haven’t been to the theatre to see a movie with people in it; your films feature dinosaurs, talking fish or princesses. So you see the women you work with: driven, ambitious, out there doing things…and you wonder, “is this it? Is this all SHE’s going to do? Stay at home and take care of the kids?”

YES you ass. That’s what she does. She takes care of a whole human being, from Sunday to Sunday from the moment they wake until the moment they sleep. You’re heating up leftovers at lunch because she packed the meal for you. Your khakis are pressed because she laundered them. Your car didn’t break down because she reminded you to take it in for service. Your house isn’t falling apart because she cleans it daily. YOU don’t have to go out and hunt for sex on a Saturday night and your present for your mother for Mother’s Day is picked out and wrapped, because THAT’S WHAT SHE DOES ALL DAY.

So look at your Throwback and say “thank you” every once in a while okay? Because a chick like me isn’t going to do all that shit for you. I’m too busy trying to take over the world.

The 12 Women You Meet in Life – #2: The Diamond Digger

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Based on conversations I’ve had with men, women are generally categorized by “type” and in the English-speaking world, these types tend to be universally recognized. I argue that these types are actually archetypes: there is the original and then there are variations on it.

Each month, I will profile a different female archetypes…chances are you have come across her in your daily life, met her in the club or hell, even married her. I will explain my definition, why I think she exists, and if you so choose, what you can do to attract her (or, if need be get rid of her).

Presenting Woman #2 – The Diamond Digger

Diamond Diggers…sigh. They are NOT like gold diggers in any sense of the word. They aren’t after your money, your car, or expect you to take care of them. Diamond Diggers have one goal: They want matching left ring fingers.

Their Methods
They want to be called your girlfriend after 3 weeks…meet the family after 3 months…move in after 9 months…and by the 12th month, her BFF is mentioning in casual conversations how much your girlfriend prefers square cuts, 1 – 2 carats, D colour and oh yeah, she likes VVS. (Google it)

You wake up one morning and think: what the fuck? I just wanted some tail!

An Example
My first encounter with a Diamond Digger was about 6 years ago. My boyfriend at the time had a best friend named “Joshua” (names and some other details changed to protect my ass). Joshua was this funny, charming, intelligent Irishman that knew he was NOT good at commitment; which is why he was getting a divorce.

Then he met “Mila”. Mila was a one night stand that didn’t go home the next day…or the day after…or the day after that…

I first heard about Mila from my boyfriend, or as he referred to her: “the 3 day one night stand”. Knowing Joshua the way I did, I was sure there would be another Mila in a few weeks.

Mila moved in after a few weeks…she had her own set of keys.

So Joshua, being a traditional Irishman, spent more time at his local, but Mila would just call up the pub to see if he was there and would join him for dinner. She would answer the phone if you called, and after a month or so, started speaking in “we’s” as in “we would love to have you over for dinner” or “we were thinking of going to a B&B next week”.

Mila wanted to go furniture shopping by month two…Joshua got a couch.

One night at drinks, Mila asked me why my boyfriend and I hadn’t married yet because we had been together about 3 years at this point. Darlings, I’m the opposite of the Diamond Digger (please, I’m not even girlfriend material), so of course I just laughed and explained that we weren’t interested in marriage and just fine the way we were. Mila said, “I want to be married and have 2 kids by the time I’m 30” and gazed adoringly across the bar at Joshua. Joshua however wasn’t yet divorced. In fact, because it was an amicable divorce, he and his ex hadn’t even started proceedings. He was still supporting his ex to be while she worked on her PhD and in fact, still talked to her regularly (no sex though, she was actually dating someone else too).

Oh did I mention that Mila was 28 going on 29? Yeah…

I looked at Mila, and well, I had a few drinks in me, so I said “good luck hun, he’s an Irish Catholic who hasn’t even gotten a lawyer yet…” I’m so glad I could’ve taken her in a fight…because you should’ve seen the look on her face.

Flash forward to December (roughly about 8 months of dating). Joshua’s father passes away in Ireland and he scrambles to get back home. In his rush, he actually managed to ask Mila what she wanted for Christmas, and said that he would buy it for her while he was passing through London.

Her response? “I want you to get your divorce”.

Yes, read that again. His father died…she pushed for him to get the divorce.

My boyfriend told me the story as it was told to him from Joshua and again begged me to help Joshua out of this relationship. While I was (and still am) disgusted at her remarks, it just proved she had one objective: matching left ring fingers.

For that Christmas, my honey got me a little blue box with something shiny inside: a bracelet from Tiffany’s. I loved it, because it was something I wanted and he remembered that I wanted it (noooo, I don’t drop hints, I admired a friend’s one day and he acted on it). A few days later, we go out with Mila and Joshua and of course Joshua knows what I got. He says, “How was your Christmas?” I roll up my sleeve to show off the bracelet and Mila grabs my wrist, inspects the bracelet and sniffs. Then the bitch says “yeah, were there the other day to look at rings, but this is nice”. My honey grabbed my other arm and pulled closer to him in a cuddle…just so I wouldn’t smack the bitch. Would you believe that they were still together when my honey and I broke up a year later?

The Logic
Joshua could pull any girl he wanted. So why did he stay with Mila? Apparently the sex was really good, but really, it’s because she also brought order to his life. Everything had a plan…he had furniture…he made it to work on time…he actually drank less (frequently)…he knew where things were in his (their) apartment. I figured all that plus sex equaled an alright relationship.

But no ring.

Why are you attracted to her?
Pay attention boys. Diamond Diggers play by The Rules, they will drop hints within the first few weeks. They come from all classes, races and backgrounds. They will take on your interests, hobbies AND friends. You will wake up one day and they will be a part of your life…and you?

Do you marry her?
Dude, if you’re with one, you are as good as married. Most men don’t get rid of a Diamond Digger…they either don’t want to or don’t know how. The only way to get rid of her is to not marry her. She will eventually give up, in about 5, 6 years.

Famous Diamond Diggers
Kim Kardashian, Heidi Montag (married!), Jessica Biel, Jennifer Lopez (married!)