LADIES: speak on it. Be honest.
(*NB – this is my top 5 of favourite music videos)
LADIES: speak on it. Be honest.
(*NB – this is my top 5 of favourite music videos)
“So, uh… why haven’t you locked that down yet?”
This was said to an acquaintance of mine when he went to a family function last year. The family member being HIS mother and the girl in question was someone he’d been dating for a few months.
When everyone thinks you’ve found the one and is calling you out (or crazy, or stupid, or lazy) for not making things official with this great girl…what do you do?
I’ll admit it. I’ve said it many times to a guy when meeting the lady du jour. After an appraisal (oh yes, I have appraised) I’ll either say
“she’s –insert the briefest of pauses here – nice…”
(translation: “you could do so much better”)
“uhm, lock that down”
(translation: “honey, you got a good one here, are you waiting for a sign from above?”)
I’m a firm believer that you should never hesitate on a good thing. If it’s good right now, it will continue to be good tomorrow. The only REAL difference is the guarantee as to whether it’s yours tomorrow. But, still…you hesitate.
This hesitation? That’s what creates the girl who got away…she only got away because you let her go.
This is when people look at you a few years from now and say, “dude, what happened? She was (insert a list of wonderful attributes here) and she had a fine ass. How did you let that go?”
You’ll shrug, and maybe mumble a weak answer. But we know why…
You thought she’d stick around and wait until you made up your mind.
Now, there are some that do. They’ll wait…and wait…and wait. But for some, they’ll wake up one morning and think to themselves that there is more to life than what is in front of them. They’ll look over at your sleeping form and they won’t think that you’re the end of that search; you’re the roadblock.
“We need to talk…”
A week later, you’ll be out with your boys celebrating your freedom, when you’ll suddenly have to leave. You forgot that you had a thing in the morning and it’s time for you to sober up and go home. But next week? Yeah, next week you’re going IN.
Except there is no “something”. You thought you saw her and freaked out. You smelled her perfume and your eyes started to well up (and don’t blame it on weed, drink, or allergies either). You realized her birthday is in a few days and for the first time, you know EXACTLY what to get her. Except…
So you call (drunk dial) on the way home and she doesn’t answer.
Even worse, she does. Even worse than that, she’s OUT CELEBRATING HER FREEDOM. Even worse than that, she’s home and no, you can’t come over.
Life sucks, eh?
A guy asked me about the regret moment; that moment when you want her back. Not just because the sex was good…not just because your mom liked her…not just because she was smart. SHE was – and is – “the one”. But you didn’t know how to commit. You didn’t know whether you should’ve locked it down right then and there. You could now kick yourself. But why kick a man when he’s already down?
They say if you love something, set it free. If it was meant to be yours, it’ll come back to you…
Lock it down when you have it, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Don’t become your own roadblock.
Look, it’s better to say you had her and you lost her, than to be the guy that missed out…
Are you “single”?
Semantics: the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. There are a number of branches and subbranches of semantics, including conceptual semantics, which studies the cognitive structure of meaning.
In other words, you say you’re “single…” and she says “my boyfriend…”
A while back I met a guy who described himself as single because that’s what he has to declare on his taxes…never mind the girlfriend of 3 years. He did say he didn’t cheat, or even wanted to; he simply was, based on the definition of the word “single”.
I met a girl who described to a group of us her “boyfriend”, and how he broke up with her after 3 months of dating because “he wasn’t ready to have a girlfriend”. Never mind that he hadn’t slept at home in 2.5 months and had two (2!) hockey equipment bags’ worth of stuff to move out when they broke up.
But this one? This is my favourite:
(p.s. follow Cheekie, she’s hilarious)
Really? He says he bought a ring. SHE says they’re engaged?
How are we as adults, speaking the same language (I assume), not understanding each other?
Instead of defining words, let’s define expectations, shall we? What are you expecting from the woman in your life/sights/bed right now? Are you looking for someone to bring to Sunday’s BBQ? Are you looking for her to be gone by Sunday morning? Are you looking for someone you can confide in, or is she someone you keep hidden? Are you making you expectations clear in both WORD and ACTION and, is she doing the same?
If you are having an arrangement but acting like a boyfriend, you’re sending mixed signals.
But how, HLBB? If I’m telling her that I’m not ready for a girlfriend, why isn’t she listening?
Because darling boy, actions speak louder.
You’re not ready for a girlfriend, but she’s met a family member, and your boys…on purpose, not just because you bumped into them on the street. You’ve gone away for a weekend (or suggested it). One of you has taken care of the other when you’re sick. One of you is at the other’s place most nights of the week. You know her birthday, or there was an exchange of presents for some sort of holiday…
Shall I continue? Get it? You’re acting like a boyfriend.
(Pssst…let’s pretend that there are no women listening in on our convo, okay?)
Look, I know what the “I’m not ready for a girlfriend” statement really is. It’s an out. Don’t get me wrong. You’re not lying…you really aren’t ready.
Because if the woman of your dreams came along at this moment, and declared her undying love for you. If a Meagan Good – level beauty said she’d remove the chastity belt – for YOU – as long as there was a ring, your ass would be at Tiffany & Co. (or People’s) faster than you can say, “I do.”
But you’re not ready to give up what might be for what is right in front of you. She’s at about 70%…you’re looking to keep it 100. Makes sense.
But then, when you say those (other) three little words…“I’m not ready”, you end up giving out hope like Obama did in 2008, because all she is thinking is what will it take, what can SHE do to make you “ready”. When the reality is, unless she morphs into your dream girl, she will NEVER make you ready. Am I right?
Yeah. Let’s try a little less hope and a little more honesty.
I know. The gates to coochieville will close if you tell her that some day you won’t be together. I know. I get it. But that’s the trade you have to make it life. It’s kind of a package deal, since her coochie is attached to the rest of her. If she’s ready and you’re not, you have to say “we have to end this because I’m not ready.” Yes, you can end the statement with “I’m not ready” as this will drive the point home. Then you have to stick to it. Back up your words with your actions.
If she wants a boyfriend, HER actions will also make it clear. If you say “I’m not ready…” and she says with a shrug “cool”… then trust that she is beginning to figure out what will make you “ready”. She’s cooking you meals, sharing her life, sharing her bed, even sharing her dreams, she’s doing it to get you ready; that by opening up, you’ll see all of her and want to be ready.
Meanwhile, you’re enjoying this friendship with all sorts of benefits: sex, food, clean laundry, a place to crash…all while holding the “get of this quasi relationship free” card with those three little words. One day, as it comes to an end and she angrily/sarcastically/tearfully says “why did I waste my time with you?”, you’ll be able to say:
“But I TOLD you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”
Don’t do it. I know you’re going to do it because you know no other way. Just know that you’re creating angry bitter women (coughLaurynHillcough) with this tactic. When you meet an angry bitter woman pushing for a relationship because the last guy “lied” or “screwed her over” , I will bet you that there is a 50% chance that this guy said “But I told you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”.
You’re creating the monster you’re so scared of.
Sidebar: Ladies, I’m sick of it. Really. When a man starts a sentence with “I’m not ready…” and it doesn’t end with something like “…to cum” Leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect anything. Just leave. He’s not ready for you and until he is, you’re really wasting your time.
As for miss thing with the ring? If he didn’t get down on one knee, or look you in the eye, or for fuck’s sake ASK YOU OUTRIGHT. Then you didn’t get engaged. He just went to Jared’s!
Now, if you say “I’m not ready…” and she says, “neither am I… that’s cool. Are you staying over? Because I got to get up early in the morning…” She’s not trying to have you, and she’s not trying to get caught up.
Yup. You have to stop being lazy (and horny) and hold out for the woman is – get this – NOT READY.
You meet a Free Agent and you can enjoy all the sex, food, and comfort you could ask for, until that day comes when one of you is ready to move on.
Oh, and don’t come crying to me when she says to you “Listen…I’m just not ready…”
Now. All the REALLY Single Ladies, put your hands up. Let’s debate this at Come and Talk to Me II (June 27 2012)
I want you to stop and think for second…
If you have a lady, a love, or an object of your lustful affection, I want you to think about what was that thing, that personality trait that put you over the top against the others.
You know there were others. She had options.
Some, not as good looking. Others not so…hung. There were the ones who were smarter. Or richer. Blah blah blah…
So what made you so damn different?
Do you still have it?
A couple of weeks ago, I asked the ladies of Twitter what they considered a deal breaker. What personality trait must a man possess that if he loses it…he’s gone?
Manners cannot die once you get the coochie. We watch how you are with serving staff, strangers on the sidewalk, and the bartender at the club. We want to know that the manners are on point because it’s in your nature…and not because you think it’s a tactic to get our panties wet. If you are naturally ill-mannered, it will show…and once it does – bye bye rude bwoy.
This happens a lot with you guys. You reach out once, twice, three times a day. Texts, phone calls, emails, gchats, special veiled tweets that only she can understand, Facebook posts, skywriting…and then…
But it’s not just quantity darling boys, it’s the QUALITY. If you start off the relationship talking to us about things in your life that are deemed important or hell, even of interest, then we take interest. As a relationship deepens, the things that become important involve her.
Then, as the relationship progresses, you kind of fall off. For example: if you’re angry, you become less inclined to talk it out. You tell her things are “fine”, when she can tell they’re not. So, she presses and you retreat. She gets frustrated and boom goes the front door. If that happens enough times, she ain’t coming back through.
Now, if you can’t string a sentence together to begin with, I suggest reading. Reading improves your word count, the availability of topics you can discuss and makes you smarter. Smart is sexy. A man who has his way with words gets the gates to open, you hear me? I know many women who will not go near a guy who can’t hold a conversation for more than 30 minutes. A friend of mine once joked that there was a direct connection between conversational stamina and sexual stamina…
Not your testicles, I’m assuming both of those have descended. I’m talking about your grit. The women of my generation were raised to be more assertive and stronger than our mothers…and we find that strength usually attracts strength.
But sometimes…not so much…
So stand up for what you believe in…even if it’s the minority opinion. Don’t back down in an argument. Go after what is yours as long as you deserve it. Don’t be a wuss about your life.
By the way: assertiveness does not mean being an asshole…it means growing a spine.
As a I worked on this post, I realized that there was a common theme to the traits the women mentioned: these are things that come naturally. They’re not forced and we fall a little out of love with you when you let things like this slide.
Notice that none of the top three had anything to do with looks, or bank balances or even, well…even that (although it did rank high). Because we women can find a way to look past the superficial (okay, that’s a little hard to look past…heh “hard”)…hell, some women figure they can “change” those superficial things, but these things? They’re part of your value system, your belief system.
They need to be true to who you are.
(wow how after school special that sounds…again. But it’s true)
You become less of anything you are, then that becomes the ultimate deal breaker darling boys…don’t break any covenants with yourself and you won’t break any with her.