Tag Archives: best friends

Who Would Endorse You?

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Endorsements. This keeps popping up in my daily news feeds thanks to the elections in the U.S.

Sidebar: Yes, US readers we care what happens down there…it’s kinda like having a neighbour with a meth lab in the basement; if shit’s gonna blow up, we want some advanced notice…

When one candidate endorses another, it’s usually because they are acknowledging publicly that aren’t the man (or woman) for the job.  Sometimes, the endorsement doesn’t even come from someone you’re in competition with; they just want to let everyone know that they support you.

When I wrote about references, I was writing about something you couldn’t exactly control. What your exes say, what your boys say, or what your family unit says can only be monitored, that’s PR. If you need damage control for a bad reference, that’s when you can react. But, endorsements are usually sought out, even though you usually want it to seem spontaneous. You cultivate the endorsement; have that person see your best attributes so that should the opportunity ever come up, that person would be able to vouch for you.

Who would endorse you?

How do you do this?

Step 1: Have a best friend…

Male or female, your cousin or your younger sibling, it doesn’t matter, you better have one.

Step 2: Make sure they ARE a best friend…

No competition! Best friends don’t compete unless they’re playing games. Your best friend will have your best interests at heart. They will know all your likes/dislikes/dealbreakers/turn-ons as well as they know their own. This knowledge will come in quite handy at the endorsement stage.

Step 3: Let Them Know

If you’re feeling the girl, they have to know! If they don’t know, they can’t help you! Oh, and none of this “men can’t show feelings” bullshit. If you like her, tell the best friend. If you want to marry her, tell the best friend. If you want to fuck her sideways, tell the best friend.

If you’re keeping track, you have a best friend, who knows what you like, and knows that you’re interested in this woman. You now want that vote. Whether it’s her heart or her coochie, you need to influence that vote.

Time for the endorsement.

Step 4: Get them in the same space…

Don’t orchestrate a meeting. That’s a bad move. You do NOT go out of your way to introduce her to the best friend. BUT, be on the lookout for an occasion/opportunity to get them into the same room. If all else fails, throw a party and invite the whole damn world. But get them into the same room. In political circles, these are known as rallies, fundraisers, private dinners… think along those lines. You want to have this woman see you in your element. Now, say she invites YOU to a party…accept and bring along the best friend to act as your wingman.

Wingmen, let’s take a moment to talk about that because you’re probably wondering what the difference is. Usually a wingman is present in your attempt to get that vote (whether it be for the coochie or for the heart). They shine the best light on you. As is battle, the wingman is by your side. Bad wingmen make themselves look like assholes in order to make you look better. Good wingmen charm right along with you…and then exit gracefully…stage left.

The person who endorses you should not do it with you standing right beside them. All you need to do is ask them to put in a good word when they get a chance. At some point, you’ll need to leave them. Go grab a drink. Bathroom break. Cigarette break. But leave your endorser alone with the object of your affection.

What makes for a good endorsement?

Well, if YOU’RE the one giving the endorsement, make sure that you keep it simple, make sure it’s honest (if he didn’t graduate at the top of his class, don’t say so), and make sure pull at the heartstrings a bit.

Mention how long you’ve known your boy. List some of his best qualities. Talk about how cool he is. Then throw in that he can’t dance/dunk/play Call of Duty for shit; put him on a pedestal, but don’t be afraid to knock it a bit. Was his heart recently broken? Mention that little fact (although he’ll be pissed that you did); tell her that it’s cool to see him interested in someone again. Crack a joke that she better treat him well…blah blah…

Wait, you’re not sure if she’s into him? As the endorser, you can inquire… just don’t interrogate.

Wait, you’ve been alone with her for 3 minutes and you’re thinking, “what the fuck does he see in her? She’s a bitch!”  BITE YOUR TONGUE. Still give your boy the endorsement; later on you can ask him what he sees in her. I’ve seen an endorsement conversation be misinterpreted as flirting; that could be the case and she could be giving you shit for it. To avoid this, note your body language:

Never turn your body towards her…

Don’t reach out to her or touch her…

When leaning in to talk (in loud environments), lean only with the upper body…

If you’re not attracted to her or not competing (ahem, no competition, go back to Step #2), this will all come naturally. But if you’re a natural flirt, pull it back a bit.

This conversation is between her and the endorser. If you’re the one seeking an endorsement, you’ve already cultivated the right person to give the right message. Sooooo guess what? You shouldn’t be privy to the conversation until you’ve had contact with the woman again. If you’ve given the endorsement, you shouldn’t tell him what was said. Don’t tell him in advance; don’t tell him the next day. Maybe…tell him months later. The only time you should speak up right away is if you think she’s a bitch.

Why? This endorsement is for HER. For her to give it some thought. Weigh her options. She will decide based on the facts she already has from interacting with you directly whether her heart (or coochie) will vote for you. The endorsement helps to sway that opinion

This is why you can’t throw any ol’ person up there to endorse you…This person must come with:

Their own measure of influence (“if his best friend of 20 years says he’s loyal…then he’s gotta be loyal, right?” / “This is his sister saying that he’s cool. Hmmm…”)

Their own winning attitude, so much so that she would actually think, “hmmm, if he hadn’t stepped to me first….” (No competition, she would just like the guy enough to have that passing thought).

Their own agenda “I just like seeing my boy happy…”

When she sees that this person is willingly stating (unprovoked, completely spontaneous) that you’re the shit, she’ll consider you when it’s time to…ahem, pull the lever.

Timing: oh yes…very very important. The endorsement conversation should only last as long as it’s taken you’ve been away from them. If you see them talking, hang back a bit…but no longer than say…5 minutes. Any longer and she’ll see it’s a set up…

YOU versus the BFF

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I’ve said this before on the blog somewhere, but when it comes to my relationships, if you meet my best friend, you’re in. It’s hard to meet my best friend, because she only lives here 3 months of the year. If it’s serious, I’ll email her with photographic evidence. Once, her overly zealous sister told her I had a boyfriend and her response was, “she doesn’t until she tells me”.

Best friend approval…this is sometimes harder than meeting the parents, the circle of friends, the siblings, or even her damn dog. So what happens if you can’t stand her best friend?

Worse. What happens if her BFF can’t stand you?

The other night I was out with a group of peeps discussing various relationship type things (insert fake surprise here). One gent said that women discuss sex – and by extension relationships – with other women because we seek approval on our choices. Well, a bunch of us (myself included) said that this was not true, to which he responded, “how many of you have dated a guy that your friends didn’t approve of? How many of you stayed with the guy?”

Girls will date guys that their friends vocally disapprove of – especially if it’s the “bad boy” (a.k.a. the male version of the “crazy beautiful”). BUT the BFF approval process is completely different from general friends. The BFF knows the secrets, where the bodies are buried, her hopes, dreams and fears…all of which she uses as a basis tojudge you. So, if YOU in her mind don’t measure up… urk.

But what if it’s just a case of YOU not liking HER BFF? This is tricky, because I feel that our friends are an extension and a reflection of ourselves. So, if someone is to criticize a person’s friend, they MAY take it as a criticism of them.

I once dated a guy who said of my BFF, “she’s kinda…loud. And she swears a lot…” My instant response was “what’s your fucking point?”

(Sidebar: my BFF IS loud. So am I. Sit between us and you will risk going deaf and you will definitely hear every swear word in the English language…)

The things we forgive or overlook in a lover may be the things we cannot forgive in others. So before you criticize her BFF or decide you don’t like her, step back and make sure that the things you dislike are qualities not shared by your lady love. If they aren’t shared, you’ve got to then figure out if your lady love accepts those qualities out of love, or because they’re an extension of her.

Case in point:  my BFF dated a guy for nearly 3 years that I did not like. Couldn’t stand his ass. She knew this. But she loved him. As a true friend, I wouldn’t say “break up with him” because really, his only faults were that he had no direction in life, was rude, possessive and wasn’t very bright. There’s also the time that he almost killed me driving on the 401…but I won’t get into that. It was no secret that I didn’t like him. But we tolerated each other’s presence because we both loved my girl. One of her best qualities is that she’ll go out of her way to do for others – she’s very selfless. One day he bitched that she was doing something for her mother, which resulted in time spent away from him. He bitched that her inability to say no meant that she did too much for others. He turned to me and her sister and said “I wish she was more like you guys, you know how to say ‘no’…”

My response?

“If she was more like ME, she wouldn’t be with someone like YOU…”

So how did he and I do it? How did we manage not to kill each other over the course of 3 years?

1 – we didn’t criticize each other in front of her. I bit my tongue so many times I’m surprised I still have one. He did the same most of the time. He did once say the reason I was single was because I was too bossy to get a man. Erm. That didn’t sit too well with my BFF who was running a business and practically ran her household…

2 – we never forced her to referee. That argument about her and I not being alike happened when she wasn’t present. Had she been there, it might not have happened.

3 – we remembered that we had one thing in common: her.

That’s it. That’s all. Did it take effort? Fuck yeah. We HATED each other. We LOVED her. Listen, I know that you’re convinced her BFF is telling her “dump him” every chance she gets – I’m not gonna lie darlings, she probably is. BUT what will ultimately decide whether your lady stays with you is how you handle the situation. Rise above the criticism…if she doesn’t like you because you tell bad jokes, who cares as long as your lady is laughing? Do NOT criticize her and, most importantly remember this:

You ain’t fucking her, so why are you forcing yourself to spend time with her?