Category Archives: wifey material

The 12 Women You Meet in Life: The Un-BabyMama

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You see the girl at a family event or at a friend’s party. Pretty, beautiful even. She saunters by with an air of grace, sexiness even. Over by the kid’s table, a few nieces and nephews greet her enthusiastically. She’s down on the floor playing with them, reading stories, conducting puppet shows, and all without spilling a drop of her cocktail.

You lean over to your boy and ask which kid is hers.

Her? She doesn’t have any kids. But she’s great with them isn’t she?

So you make your approach. Because THIS may be the future Mrs. and Mother of Your Children. Ms. Beautiful consents to an exchange of numbers, and eventually you go on a first date.

Sidebar: NOT A HANGOUT, a DATE.

One date leads to another, a couple more. Your conversations get deeper. Somehow, the topic of kids comes up and she says…

“Nope. Don’t want ‘em. Ever. No thanks.”

“Oh. You mean you can’t have kids?”

“No. I mean I don’t want them. I like my life. I’ve worked to hard on my career/body/first novel/artistic equivalent to the Sistine Chapel to ever want one. Why, do you?”

There you sit. Stunned, because you are talking to one of the 12 Women You’ll Meet in Life:

The Un-BabyMama.

That’s my martini glass and my cocktail napkin…

A woman who doesn’t want kids. Doesn’t want and can’t have are two very different things. She – as far as she knows – is fully capable of having a baby and bringing it to term.

She just doesn’t want to. She doesn’t hate kids…er, maybe she does. But she definitely doesn’t want them. Not have, not step-parent, not adopt. None.

…………………………………..

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute. Because we have been told our whole lives that every woman wants a baby. Relationships have ended because of “baby fever”. Movies, books, and thousands upon thousands of blogs and articles have been written about a woman’s biological clock. Y’know the one…it kicks in at about 30 and goes into hyperdrive at about 40?

Pffft. HLBB don’t try with the bullshit EVERY chick wants to have a baby.

No. They don’t.

Where do you meet them?

The Un-BabyMamas are hard to find, because if they speak up, they WILL be ostracized. I know. For many years, I was the Un-BabyMama of my group. There was no secret wish to have a child…no “special names” picked out and stored in a diary somewhere. My uterus did not swell when I smelled the top of a baby’s head (still doesn’t, by the way). I was not putting on a front. Every time I declared that I didn’t want kids, I would get a look that fell somewhere between disgust and wonderment. they haven’t invented a side-eye .gif for the look Un-BabyMamas get…

How could you not want to do the single most powerful thing as a woman you could do? Don’t you know how many women out there would LOVE to have a child and CAN’T? Yet, here you sit, saying that you won’t? That’s just…selfish.

This and variations of it are some of the things said to Un-BabyMamas who say that they don’t want kids. They are told they are less of a woman because they choose not to have kids. They are accused of being lesbians (even though lesbians have babies…I know a couple who are taking turns being the pregnant wife). They are told they are taking pro-choice too far. Because they choose not to have a baby. You see pro-choice (as in choosing to have an abortion) is okay, as long as you plan to do make up for it in the future by having one to even out your karmic balance. Or something like that.

Un-BabyMamas have told me that they do not want to have a child because they see no benefit in bringing one into the world…or more specifically, THEIR world. Their world is – despite what people think – full of love, accomplishments, and achievements. They do not see a child as a be all and end all to their existence…their life would still be complete. They have found their purpose in life / work and devote considerable time to it… time that would otherwise be compromised if they had child. The thought of child does not outweigh what they have now.

What’s this about their body? They can work out. What’s a few pounds?

It’s not just the weight. Women go up a shoe size while pregnant. If she has a Carrie Bradshaw sized collection, you’re looking at thousands of dollars gone. If she’s had a C-section, she has had a major surgical procedure, with permanent scarring. High blood pressure, risks of strokes, allergic reactions to an epidural, alopecia (i.e. going completely bald)…all of these things have happened to women when they’ve had a baby. That’s just the scary shit. Every woman I know who has had a child can tell you the body changes. The hair, the skin, the breasts, and yes, even the vagina changes permanently.

I ask you. Does your penis change after you’ve had a baby?

That’s just pregnancy. Then there’s the whole raising the child part…

But it’s not like she’s raising the kid on her own.

Maybe not. It takes a village…blah blah. Husband…co-parenting…blah blah. However, the expectation of responsibility falls on the mother. Mothers are expected to be there in the middle of the night to chase away boogeymen and bring glasses of water. Mothers can see the cuts and scrapes invisible to the mortal eye. The way a mother cooks a favourite dish is remembered by many. That’s (at least) 18 years of expectation. 18 years is long time to defer a career, or a dream. As much as a man will be there for their child, whether in the home or out of it, the expectation is not theirs.

If a man abandons his fatherly duties, he’s a bastard. A deadbeat. An asshole. If a woman abandons her motherly duties…she’s a monster.

This is how we were conditioned. This is how we were all raised. For a woman to “have it all”, the “all” includes a baby. The “have it all” package for men has baby as an option. No one has asked “what’s wrong with George Clooney?” because he’s fatherless at 50. But Oprah? How many of you wondered it. How many of you thought that all her dogs were substitutes for babies…?

Mmmhmmm.

So this woman you meet…she is everything you could want in a woman. Except she came without a biological clock. Now, you’re looking at her differently. I asked on Twitter the other day if, as a guy would you continue to be with an Un-BabyMama and many guys were honest (they said no). But how many of these guys know that they want kids? One guy I know wasn’t sure he wanted kids. But, as soon as the Un-BabyMama declared her choice, he broke up with her. Because one day, he may be ready.

Does an Un-BabyMama change her mind?

At the beginning of this post, I said I was a former Un-BabyMama. I now sit firmly on the fence. I have no idea. There is no urge to have a child. If I ended up pregnant, I would not have an abortion, this I know. I am grossly insulted when someone says I’d make “a great mom”. Based on what? Because I have a uterus? Because I can play with a baby? When a friend announces she is pregnant I am truly happy for them…not jealous…not repulsed…happy. Because like a dream job, or completed novel/50k marathon/Sistine Chapel, they have gotten something that they truly want.

So I’m going to ask again: would you want a woman who wanted to be childless?

p.s. how unbaby am I? I had to create the category “baby” for this post…

 

Update: I had to add this link: http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/post/30954380075/when-i-tell-my-friend-im-not-sure-if-i-want-to-have

The Fear of Commitment…

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So.

Been a little busy, but I’m going to try and handle a big topic over the next few posts. The title of this one says it all.

Now, I won’t be bashing. Trust, the fear of commitment is not just a man thing. Say the word “wife” to me, and I reach for the Benadryl and the asthma inhaler. But we’re not here to discuss my issues…

What these posts will attempt to explain is why women ask for it, the different ways commitment is viewed, and to ask you guys what is it that makes you commit?

Scared yet? You shouldn’t be.

A reminder: I have a few slots available for Come and Talk to Me 2 on June 27… hit me up if you are willing to woo some ladies rsvp@herlilblackbook.com

To kick things off…

Got this link from my girl Iz, an editor here in the city.

Thoughts?

3 Words… 8 Letters… 1 Answer…

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The poor guy who sent me this email said that I could respond publicly because he’s certain there are guys out there in the same situation. So here goes:

“…My girlfriend wanted to know where we were going and said that she could see herself falling in love with me. When she said it, I didn’t know what to say because I’m not sure if I’m in love with her. We’re cool, we’ve been together for about a year. Is she asking me to tell her that I love her?”

Excuse me while I sigh for about 5 minutes…

Dude.

Duuuuude.

3 Words. 8 letters. 1 meaning.

Yes. She’s asking you to tell her.

Except…you don’t know?

I’m going to assume some facts that weren’t in the email. I’m going to assume she is your girlfriend and not an “arrangement”. I’m also going to assume this relationship has gone past simply dating and that it’s exclusive.

Okay. So you’re in an exclusive relationship, what now? All relationships have milestones; you go from a date, to dating, to not dating anyone else, to possible cohabitation or marriage. The transition time between the first three steps is much shorter – much, much shorter – than the time between exclusively dating and the “major step”. More often than not, she gets to that stage before you.

Perception. How you’re viewing the relationship and how she’s viewing the relationship are obviously different. She’s played it safe by saying that she can see herself falling in love with you. That statement is a bit passive; if she can picture it, then she already is falling (or has fallen) in love with you. But before she makes that declaration, she wants to know if you view her and the relationship in the same way. She’s not going to put herself out there without that safety net.

Yes or no: do you think about her when you’re not with her? Do you envision a future with her in it? Do you ever wonder what your kids will look like (assuming you two don’t have any)? Does the thought of NOT being with her upset you in any way? Does the thought of not being with her freak you out more than thoughts of saying I love you?

Now, I could easily say to you “go back and tell her that you care deeply for her, but that you haven’t reached that point yet…” But that would get your ass seriously whipped.

One would think that you’ve examined your feelings, but maybe you haven’t…so you better get on it hunny bunny. She’s forced your hand in this situation, and if you can’t picture a life with her past your immediate future, then you’ve got problems.

She’s pictured it. She’s wondered what your kids will look like. The thought of not being in a relationship with you upsets her. Ultimately, she wants to know that this relationship has an end goal and that you’re “working” towards something.

“I love you.”

This says to her you’re serious and that there is an end goal. This says that you will one day take that major step with her. This will be her comfort a couple of years from now when your relationship hasn’t evolved past what it is today. Knowing that you love her will be her response in five or ten years when people (including the little voice in her head) doubt the relationship and wonder why you two still haven’t taken the next step.

Yes or no: do you love her?

I will say this: if you really did, you wouldn’t have emailed me in the first place.

You’re not ready. I’m sure you care about her… otherwise you wouldn’t have emailed me. Your question then isn’t about her honey. It’s about you. You want to know how to preserve what you have right now, today and not lose it.

Straight goods: your answer will be her yes or no. If you love her, she stays; if you don’t (know yet) she goes.

I don’t know how long it’s been since you two had that conversation. If she’s brought it up since then and you still haven’t responded, then she is definitely waiting for you to say it/confirm that this is a relationship worth her time and investment. If she hasn’t brought it up since that convo… well, you should.

Don’t hide from it and ask her where she sees the two of you going. I WILL warn you, she’ll interpret that statement on it’s own as a sign that you do love her. So if you ask, you need to tell her that you don’ t know.

Her response will be something like, “you don’t KNOW?! Motherfucker how do you not KNOW? You either do or you don’t!”

So…tell her that what you don’t know and then tell her what you do know.  Tell her all the reasons you’re with her today and then give her a choice: you two can continue on with what you think is a good thing, while you figure your shit out. Or you’ll have no choice but to accept the consequences of not saying I love you today and watch her leave your ass behind.

BUT, if you do love her and you’re just too chickenshit to say it because the last time you did you got your heart broken…

Nut up and tell her, or run the risk of losing a woman you love.

Disclaimer: I’ve never been the one to say those 3 words first…ever. Ladies, weigh in on this: what should he do?

The 12 Women You Meet in Life: The Demi Cougar

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“Cougar.”

Instantly, images of an older, hyper-sexed woman, who dresses “younger” and “preys” on younger men comes to mind. It’s not always something that women want to be associated with. Social conditioning has unfortunately led many guys to think that once you hit your 30s you HAVE to be married, with kids, and a house in the suburbs. For some women, this makes dating in their 30s difficult. Because even though women aren’t rushing it, men worry that they are.

Many of my 30-something male friends date women in their 20s without hesitation, telling me it’s because there’s none of this “pressure”. So, women in their 30s (my female friends included) either date 30-something commitment-phobic men, men in 40s, or have a lot of girl’s nights out.

These women are single (sometimes divorced). Their careers are in place. They may or may not have kids. They’re not looking to get (re)married any time soon. They just want to enjoy the fun of dating without any confusion, drama, or speculation. While they would love to enjoy dating their peers, it’s just not happening.

This has all led to a new strain of cougarism…

Introducing one of the 12 Women You’ll Meet in Life:

The Demi Cougar…

For my non French-speaking friends, “demi” translates into English as “half” and that’s exactly what the Demi Cougar is; she’s halfway there. She’s not preying on these younger guys; they’re coming to her.

It kinda happens like this: one day, a guy in his 20s hits on her. Not 29 to her 30, no no. This guy is 23 and she’s 38. She’s flattered. She’s shocked. “Don’t you know how old I am?” is usually her response. She demurs. She tells him he’s too young. That she’s looking for different things. He responds that he’s just looking for a phone number. No pressure. That he’s looking to go for coffee; to just be “friends”. To learn a thing or two from a woman that he finds attractive.

She takes (gives) the number thinking “that was a nice ego boost”. But then, the youngin’ calls…he asks (and takes) her out. He continues to call…continues to flatter… and continues in his pursuit. Eventually, he *ahem* comes over and when he leaves she thinks:

Dang. I could get used to this…

So she does. She may have been resistant to the idea before, but realizing the joys and benefits that come with the youngin’, she thinks, “why not? No pressure…” She’s enjoying the ease of her encounters…there are no awkward morning after’s (since she likely kicked him out the night before) and there are no “status” conversations. It’s all so easy; it’s in direct contrast to the dealings she has with older men. In time, she extols the virtues of younger men to her girlfriends and recommends that they also try it.

The Demi Cougar enjoys the authority she’s experiencing over her romantic life and in some cases, the authority over the young man (men) in question. With her peers, she worries she’ll get a side eye (or, has received one) in the bedroom for trying a new move, the youngin’ praises her skills without judgment, because hey, she has a few more years experience on him.

Why are you attracted to her?

If you’re in your 30s, chances are you’ve met a Demi Cougar, but you wouldn’t recognize her. If you’re in your 20s, you’ve met her, and in true Barney Stinson fashion have said, “Challenge. Accepted!” The youngins are attracted to the Demi Cougar’s aura of confidence. The insecurities that come from trying to figure out life in her 20s has diminished or disappeared completely, and he finds it refreshing. Here’s a woman he can have a lot of fun with and will not likely take him (or their arrangement) too seriously  (it doesn’t hurt that she may look younger than her 38 years).  It’s a win-win for him.

Does it leave the bedroom?

Yes. Yes it can.  Don’t be looking to meet her family any time soon though…

Would you marry her?

Marry?  Uhm…no. Why would you do that? This is why it’s called a win-win. Learn from her, enjoy her company, enjoy the sex (there will be lots of it), and take notes. Make yourself a better man for it, so that when you do hit YOUR 30s, you’ll be ready for things like marriage. I mean, you could…but…nah. Not really.  She’s not looking for marriage at this point either.

Famous Demi Cougars

Demi Moore is NOT a Demi Cougar (yes, I did name this post for the double entendre). The age difference is usually more than 2, but less than 10. Think Vivica with 50-Cent…Halle with Gabriel…Courtney Cox with David Arquette…