Category Archives: threesomes

Dating 2.0 – The Basics

Posted on by

6

Okay, so technology has opened up a whole new way to communicate, especially online. With my iPhone, BlackBerry, laptop, netbook, desktop and work desktop, I can be connected at any given time, 24 hours a day (ugh). What I also learned is that just because we have more ways to communicate, it doesn’t make us any better at it.

Online. Dating. I had a couple of girlfriends convince me to try it. I protested, because a: I’m busy and b: tried it a few years ago and it was just baaaaaad. So, while one of my girls sat beside me on my couch and practically typed in the URL for me, I joined a site.

Oh dear gawd, you men need help.

Granted, site A was known for its creepers and stalkers…so as I told this story of the creepers and stalkers to Girlfriend #2, she convinced me to try the site she was on, because those guys “try to impress you with their book and movie smarts …” My first three inquiries were guess a guy’s penis size, a threesome request and a request to be the “dominant” one in the bedroom (yes, he meant whips and chains)…

Oh dear gawd, you men need help.

So while my foray into online dating was a complete and utter disaster, my girl Maxfab pointed out that this would be great fodder for the blog! But how? Of course…POINT OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG!

So begins the series this week: Dating 2.0

Let’s start with some of the basics. It’s seems there are three ways to engage online. There’s:

“Premium”: Like eHarmony.com and LavaLife.com, where you pay for the privilege to engage with someone online. Apparently they weed out those who aren’t serious or those who aren’t relationship material. I should know; eHarmony rejected my ass. (insert evil giggle here…)

“Freemium”: This would be your plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com. Sites that are like eHarmony, but free. These sites tend to attract those who are serious, not so serious and well, freaks. There are some “upgrade” options for these sites, but you can meet and do whatever it is you crazy kids do without having to pay for an upgrade. While these sites are essentially are free, you have to put in quite a bit of effort to keep your profile going.

“Bottom Feeding”: This is what I’ve decided to call those who use networking or social media sites as meat markets. These guys creep the “friends” lists of their friends, and hit up women (it’s happened to us all) using various “did he really just do that?” tactics that make us women activate all the privacy settings we can. By the way, have you heard the one about the guy who asked out a girl via LinkedIN? Ewww

The “Premium” and “Freemium” sites are somewhat similar. You need to sign up and create a profile before proceeding. With eHarmony, you have to answer a quiz equivalent to the profiling quiz at Quantico in order to get an account set up and the other ones are a little less intensive…

Based on some of the profiles I’ve seen…again, oh dear gawd.

Some rules that should be posted on Premium and Freemium dating sites:

1-     use a REAL photo. None of us really expect to find Larenz Tate online looking for love. So when your profile says you’re from Rexdale and have his picture? We’re passing your profile around for laughs.

2-     DO NOT USE THE CELL PHONE SELF PORTRAIT. You never have your picture taken at parties? Not one pic from the family reunion? I mean, is it really necessary to have a picture of you in your (dirty) bathroom with your shirt off in your track pants? Ick. As for the one who had only half his damned head in cornrows…

3-     If you must do the self portrait…put a little effort into your looks. My gawd, half done cornrows? Who told you this was hot?

4-     Embellish a little sure, but do not blatantly LIE about your job, weight etc. I know NO ONE tells the truth online, but for the guy who had under job description I’M A KING? Like “Larenz Tate” in rule #1, we ain’t buying it. Oh and when the question is “do you have children?” and you answer, “prefer not to say”, we think “deadbeat dad”. For those who are using the Freemium sites just to have sex, but your profile states “looking for a relationship”…please open up a Craigslist account. Thanks.

5-     Spell-mothafucking-check your profiles. Words I saw over and over again were, “definately”; “alot”; “consious”; “indepandant”. Are you serious? You couldn’t type your profile up in Word to make sure these words were correct? I typed up this blog post in Word and it autocorrected every single one of those words…

But the thing that killed me, just had me falling over with laughter every time were the profile names! “1thickrod”? “Spaniardstallion”? “baby69er”? Are you guys for real?

I wanted to post some pics of the guys I’ve “encountered” so far, but I think it violates some sort of privacy agreement. But just take my word for it, the dude who was wearing the straw cowboy had, red wellington boots, plaid shorts and wife beater will not be getting a response from me.

These are some basics, the next post will be the do’s and dont’s for the “bottom feeders” out there…here’s a hint: there are no “do’s”

Three’s Company

Posted on by

2

So I received an anonymous question on the blog the other day about threesomes. Mr. Anonymous wrote: “dear @hl_bb, you’re always writing about what women want, why not what guys want? For example, I want to have a 3-way with my girl and another girl, how do I ask in a way that she’ll say yes?”

Hmm. Ask in a way that she’ll say yes? I’m sorry Anonymous, there are no magic words that will make a fantasy a reality. I think that’s where some of you get things twisted. For you it’s just (more) sex, but sex for a lot of women is a very intimate thing and intimacy is a much bigger minefield than just plain old sex. How is a threesome different from asking for any other fantasy-type request? Well, let’s say you asked her:

To dress up: That’s you + her + a Wonder Woman costume = comic geek fantasy fulfilled.
To let you tie her up: That’s you + her + silk scarves + safety word = bondage fantasy fulfilled.
To make a video: That’s you + her + infrared lighting = sex tape scandal fantasy fulfilled.

I could go on, but I won’t. Because I think you’re seeing the point. Most fantasies involve just the two of you. Can you think of any of your other fantasies that involve bringing in another person? If your girl is the kind of woman who gets upset when she catches you checking out another woman, imagine that reaction to the power of ten when you ask her to watch you have SEX with one. It takes a person with a really strong sense of self to say “yeah, you can have sex with another person while I watch, it’s cool.” There are no magic words, but I think there needs to be a convergence of circumstances to make this particular fantasy come true…

Does she ever jokingly mention threesomes? I mean EVER? When it’s mentioned in conversation, what’s her reaction? Intrigue or disgust? Does she enjoy porn with you? Did she ever have that “one time” with a girl? These are some clues that MAY help. Because just her mentioning that another girl is attractive doesn’t count as openness to threesomes. So just because she’s said “I’d do Salma Hayek in a heartbeat.” please don’t equate that to “I’d do my BFF in front of you”…because the chances of her getting Salma are slim to non-existent at best…her BFF she sees at least once a week.

Baskin Robbins has 31 flavours…have you tried all of them? If all you have only been sampling Mint Chocolate Chip during this entire relationship, she’s going to be a little put out if you suddenly ask for Rainbow Sherbet. Visit the other areas of fantasy land first to gauge her receptiveness to this one.

Have you been together a while? Are you both at a stage in the relationship where you know nothing can divide you? Well, then maybe you have a chance, but if you’re only one year in…I’d say nope. Still too new. Have you been together 10 years? Might be too late…because if it’s too new or too “settled”, it could be a blow to the ego…

Actually, I’ve been talking about the main woman this entire time. Let’s talk about that other woman for second. Who should this other woman be?

If you choose a best friend, cousin or sister…you’re really setting yourself up for drama. No matter how close you are to her or she is to them, she will forever after wonder if you really wanted that girl all along and settled for her as second choice. I know I’ve basically eliminated every freakin’ female your lady knows, so now what? Well, she has acquaintances…or even better, find someone who you can choose together. Think of threesome planning the way you would vacation planning; both of you should have some say on what the itinerary and the attractions are. How? Well, isn’t this what Craigslist and swingers clubs are for? I think it boils down to this Playdate being someone neither of you see regularly…

Your choice of Playdate should be of equal or less attractiveness to your main lady. Oh stop it with the eye rolling…you’re already getting an extra pair of breasts to play with! (Among other things…) I suggest this because if she has any esteem issues at all, picking someone who she may believe to be more attractive than she, would only be setting you up for drama.

Neutral settings please. Either do it at the Playdate’s place, or in a hotel. Do NOT do it in the bed(s) that the two of you share. I asked a friend of mine about this, since she told me that she had gifted her husband with a threesome as 5 year anniversary present. Tradition usually calls for paper but hey, to each their own tastes, yeah? She said it was really important for her to not have it at home because she knew she’d get weirded out if she had to look at that bed the next night and flashback to all that had happened. Wherever you have this threesome, make sure the Playdate is not there when you wake up…send her home. Also, I’d advise you to not combine too many fantasies. You + Her + Playdate + bondage + camera = serious repercussions if you ever break up. Keep it simple stupid.

Talk about it before and after…but not too much. Not talking about it kinda gives the impression that the Playdate made more of an impact than she should’ve and talking about it too much? Well, then you’re just bragging. Speaking of bragging, I think it’s very important to NOT tell your boys about it. Because the next time they see her, they’re going to picture HER naked…with another girl…and do you really want your lady love to be the star of THEIR fantasies? Didn’t think so. Plus she’ll feel especially freaked out if she knows that THEY know because then she’ll be thinking that THEY’RE picturing her naked…with another girl…yeah, you see where I’m going with this.

The Playdate is the appetizer, she’s the main course. You can take that however you want to (double entendres allowed)…but you should definitely start with the Playdate and finish with her.

Most importantly, check your ego at the bedroom door. Because say she IS receptive, say she enthusiastically finds that Playdate, say it IS her BFF, because they REALLY do share everything, say she’s really into it, like REALLY into it. You can’t freak out…and you can’t be put out if she wants a different formula, i.e. HER + you + dude… Yup…dude. You opened this door, and it would be unfair of you to think that she doesn’t have a fantasy or two of her own…because if her wanting this threesome makes her seem a little slutty, then what the fuck are you??