By now, you’ve heard all about 50 Shades of Grey, the series of books (yes there’s three) that have taken over the bestsellers lists, rumoured to  be in movie development, and have taken most women completely over. One girlfriend said that she had to stop reading it because it was so hot…and that the book has brought new life into her marriage. Writing what I write, I was asked my opinion, and I responded that I couldn’t give one because I refused to read it. Then, I was challenged to read it.

To quote the best bro ever: Challenge. Accepted.

Now, you have to understand something. I love words. Reading has been my most cherished activity since I was 2 years old.

I hated these books with a passion…and I’ve read Twilight. I wanted to set these books on fire (except they were e-books and yo, iPads are expensive).

I would have rather read this version…

BUT, I promised I would read them, and then try to break it down to you darling boys, so that you can:

a)  understand why every other woman on the planet is reading it
b)  not feel completely left out of the pop culture conversation
c) possibly use the knowledge I’m about to give you to get laid (or laid more often)

Important to note: these books were originally written as Twilight fan fiction. Fan fiction is when people take beloved fictional characters and write new stories. The stories are usually unrelated to the original text and quite often involve a lot more sex…

OH! IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO READ, OR ARE READING THESE BOOKS, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!

Young virgin meets whiz kid billionaire (she’s 21/22…he’s 27) and they embark on a love affair/sexual journey together.

Yup. That’s it. I could fill in all the details, but that’s the elevator pitch right there. Oh, I guess I should add that the whiz kid billionaire is way into BDSM.

(for the shy kids who are afraid to google…Bondage and Discipline; Sadism and Masochism)

How much is he into it? His giant two-story condo has a playroom…full of whips, chains, and a giant cross he can attach his submissives to. When the whiz kid meets the virgin, he immediately is attracted to her (he doesn’t know she’s a virgin) and thinks she’d make a perfect sub for him.

So, he hires a private detective to run a full background check on her; learns everything about her – including her banking info, and proceeds to pursue her.

IF you are a whiz kid billionaire, you’re “pursuing”… for every other man, you are a “stalker”.

Whiz kid billionaire is also hot. Because yes, men with Bill Gates’ money are always hot… and the virgin, who has NEVER been attracted to a man, who has NEVER had a boyfriend, and who has NEVER even touched herself “down there” (as she refers to it), is attracted to him. Even more so when he invites her out to dinner…

BUT, the whiz kid billionaire knows because he’s a “sadist” (his words, not mine) that he’s a bad boy and therefore no good for the virgin. But they have a go at it anyway.

When it’s time for the deflowerment, whiz kid is PISSED. Because she didn’t tell him she was a virgin. You see, it’s only been about a week since they met, and it didn’t come up in conversation. But he takes her and…

SHE LOVES IT…
SHE HAS THE MOST SPECTACULAR MIND BLOWING ORGASM EVER.

Yes. Ever. Because it’s the ONLY ONE she’s ever had.

Ladies who are reading this, can I get personal? Did you come that first time? I mean that first time when your hymen is basically broken…was it good for you? Was it mind blowing?

You see guys, the author isn’t writing a how-to guide for virgins who have never touched themselves, she’s re-writing the memories for all the women who had painful first times, surreal first times, and who haven’t had a SPECTACULAR orgasm in a while.

Oh, and can this guy bring the orgasms. This chick has one EVERY. SINGLE.TIME.HE.PENETRATES.HER. Which is, oh…every 5-10 pages.

But whiz kid billionaire not only has this “dirty” little secret…he has a painful childhood that includes a “crack whore” of a mother who OD’d when he was 4 (he sat beside her lifeless body for 3 days), abusive men who beat him (no sex, just violence) and treated him like an ashtray; leaving him with a severe aversion to touch.

Yes. She cannot touch him. She cannot lovingly caress his chest, trickle her fingers down his spine, or embrace him in a hug. But she can suck his dick. Which she does. Like a champ. She deep throats on the first try.

Really.

BUT…

(Not BUTT, but BUT…the other stuff comes later)

He still likes to tie women up. Specifically brunette women who remind him of his crackwhore mother (seriously). He likes to tie them up and spank them, whip them, apply nipple clamps to them, and make them cum…

Oh. How did he learn that he liked all this? A cougar who was friends with his adoptive mother introduced him to the life when he was 15. He was her submissive, and as he grew older, he realized he preferred to hold the whip.

In the book, she’s a cougar with a kink. If she wasn’t rich, she’d be known as a pedophile. (Oh his adoptive parents thought he was just earning extra money cleaning out the pool…seriously)

Let’s recap: we have a physically and sexually abused boy, who is extremely bright and resourceful. By the grace of god, he is adopted into a wealthy family and given a second chance. Along the way, he realized that he could deal with the unresolved issues from his past by tying women up and beating them into orgasmic states. Because he is so rich, he has to be careful…so he has all the women sign contracts that stipulate what they will and will not do, and takes photos of them in compromising positions…which he keeps in a safe.

When the virgin realizes all of this (and has had her bottom thoroughly whipped in a “try out”session), she loses her shit and takes off. She basically says, “fuck this shit! I’m heading out of the state and I’m going to go visit my mother!”

But the whiz kid is in love, so he follows her. Now if you did this, it again would be called “stalking”. But he has a private jet so it’s cool.

(I might’ve screwed up the chronology, but all this shit happened in the space of three weeks, okay? No, not the time it took for me to read this, but the events take place over three weeks…)

When I got to the end of book one, I thought: “Okay, so now this becomes a gripping thriller where this woman is grappling with her sexual identity. She delves into the world of BDSM and decides that she is really a dominatrix, or a happy submissive. She tells story after story of nights filled with pain and pleasure. She then returns to the billionaire and it becomes a battle of sexual wits…”

Fuck… was I wrong.

She doesn’t like the whips. So he gives those up. She doesn’t like butt plugs or anything in her ass, so he gives that up too. She doesn’t like being told when to eat (it’s in the contract), how many times she has to work out (he needs her fit to withstand the sessions), and she doesn’t like being monitored. Remember the private detective? Yeah…

She does like the car (Audi, I think?), the MacBook Pro, the Blackberry and the priceless collection of books he’s given her. But they’re only on loan because she’s not a whore.

So, this man agrees to change. Give up his ways and have a “vanilla” relationship (vanilla meaning regular missionary/doggy style sex without toys).

THIS  gentlemen, is why every other woman is reading this book. THAT right there is the ultimate fantasy…THAT HE WILL CHANGE BECAUSE HE LOVES HER!

IF this had a been a book made of paper, I would’ve thrown it across the room in disgust…and why I’ll never read another e-book again.

I could go into detail about the crazy stalker dude, the ex submissive that tries to kill herself, the rivalry with the cougar (who is still in his life), the fact that he hired a gynecologist to examine her and put her on birth control, and all that other shit, but really…it’s not necessary.

Because instead of a battle of sexual wits, we get the story of a young, inexperienced girl who ends up in an abusive relationship with a guy who fucks like a champ.

Guys, this book is not porn. Yes, there’s sex. But it’s Harlequin Novel level sex. With spanking and roughly squeezed nipples.

So why are women loving it?

NOT because it’s porn. But because it is fantasy. This man is:

Good looking – gorgeous – god like, and his appearance is always impeccable (seriously, this is how she feels about him)
Alpha (well, most of his interactions with her are abusive and controlling, but here it’s presented as alpha)
Smart (billionaire before the age of 30? Hellooooo?)
Rich (see above)
And can make a woman have EXPLOSIVE orgasms EVERY TIME THEY HAVE SEX! Plays with the nipples? BOOM. Goes “down there”? BOOM. Hog ties her to a bed post and fucks her roughly? BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
Plus, he gives her a diamond ring after week 5 and they have a gorgeous wedding with honeymoon in the Mediterranean…

Pure and utter fantasy.

Oh, can I mention that while on honeymoon, she is “caught” sunbathing topless (like ALL the other women at the resort), so he covers her breasts in hickeys so that she won’t expose them to anyone else for the rest of the trip? Hickeys are bruises…that’s all I’m going to say about that.

She’s changed him. Yes. They still engage in a little kink, but never in the playroom (remember? The one with the giant cross and the strap ons?”) She did use a butt plug – once. But didn’t let the maid clean it because that would be weird (yes, his staff know all about his kink).

Oh, and I shit you not, he buys them a beautiful house on the water where they live happily ever after with their gorgeous little boy and girl.

I shit you not my darlings. I shit you the fuck not.

(oh, if this post contains more curse words than usual, it’s because the feminist in me HATES this book with a passion…but I digress)

So how can Christian Grey get you laid (more often)?

Let’s go back to the list.

Clothing/Grooming
No half stepping. He’s not always in suits and ties. In fact, his favourite outfit to spank her in is a well worn pair of jeans and a tshirt. Your clothes cannot wear you. He wears his clothes like a second skin. Regardless of the fashion choice, or the style women will find this sexy.

If there is one thing – and it’s the only thing – that I can agree with miss virgin (aka Anastasia Steele) about, it’s that this man smells good. Like all the time. He’s always freshly washed and wears his scent like it’s a pheromone.

Alpha aka Confidence
I pretty much preach this all the time. Guys, if you falter, if you half step, you will be a step behind her. Not saying that women want to walk two steps behind you, but a man that can lead, a man that has a presence? It’s a very attractive quality. He runs an empire, fine. But if you’re still running in the pack, and not taking control of the situations in your life, she’s not feeling it. She’ll date you, yes. She’ll marry you even. But…

Note: You don’t have to be the boss of her…but you need to be the boss of yourself.

Intelligence
Whiz kid. Okay maybe you’re not. But find what you’re good at and own that shit. You could be the best damn cherry picker in Ontario and you will get all the cherries you want if women see that you’re the best. Oh, developing this will breed confidence (see above).

Rich
Ah, you all think this is what gets the girl. Hell, in some cases it is. But in reality, balance your fucking checkbook and pay your bills on time. It shows you’re smart (see above).

Fucking like a champ…
Throw all your preconceived notions aside…spend more than 5 minutes on the clitoris, grab that ass, hold on to that waist and fuck like a champ dammit! Most of you are lazy fuckers, and by that, I mean that when you fuck, you do not give it HER all.  You’ll hit that gym for an hour, work out a solution at work for hours, or play video games for days…but sex? Look, I know for many of you it’s a race to see if you can bust a nut in under 9.69 seconds, but if you instead make her orgasm your goal every single time…

Trust me, she won’t need the book.

p.s. that doesn’t mean you have to have sex for hours either…

xoxo/hlbb