Category Archives: rude behaviour

Ex Files…How to Handle the Ex Encounter

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Awkward: bumping into an ex

Really awkward: bumping into an ex with their new person

Mortifying: bumping into an ex while you look/feel like shit and/or drunk

You might as well die: bumping into an ex with their new person while you look/feel like shit and/or drunk…

 

It’s probably one of the more awkward encounters a person can have: bumping into an ex. Not a purposeful, “let me have a rearview moment with this person” meeting, but one is that is completely by happenstance.

Today I had an encounter with an ex of sorts. Okay, we had an “interference” once or twice…not a relationship by any means. I turned a corner and there he was with his girl. Now mind you, our “interference” was centuries ago…no bad blood, no animosity. I gotta say… he handled it beautifully. It could’ve been because we had years of friendship between us, that he completely forgot our “interference”, or because we were both mature, but it was the least awkward bumping into an ex moment I’ve ever had.

(Mind you, during our exchange, all I could think was “wow, I’ve seen your penis…would you girlfriend really be giving me the double cheek kiss if she knew where my mouth had been?”)

It got me thinking…WHY can’t all ex encounters be like this? So, I’ve decided to share with you what I learned from this guy:

1 – don’t ignore her! I’ve seen guys duck and run for cover…this is a dumbass move and both women can sense your awkwardness. Your ex will revel in it and your sweetie will eventually call your ass out on it.

2 – no subtext. When he introduced me to his sweetie (who is beautiful btw), it was just “Beautiful Girl, this is HLBB; HLBB, this is Beautiful Girl”. Not, “this is my old friend” or “this is my girlfriend”… here we are, just two people being introduced.

3 – keep it short, stupid. We chatted for 5 minutes.

4 – keep the topics away from relationships.

5 – be genuinely glad to see them. Not happy or overjoyed (hello, they’re an ex for a reason), but if you have nothing but bad feelings…DON’T stop to talk. Head nod. Move on. If you suspect she has bad feelings, smile. If she returns it, then you’re good. If she looks surprised or slightly pissed…keep walking.

Now…what if you’re bumping into an ex and she’s with her boo?

1 – don’t attempt to mark your territory. Dumbass move.

2 – if she doesn’t introduce you…there is a reason why she doesn’t want to acknowledge knowing you. Move along.

3 – do not ask about the relationship. That’s what the follow-up email/creep on Facebook move the next day is for.

4 – say “nice meeting you” to the boo…be the bigger man.

5 – be genuinely glad to see them. Not happy or overjoyed (hello, they’re an ex for a reason), but if you have nothing but bad feelings…DON’T stop to talk. Head nod. Move on. If you suspect she has bad feelings, smile. If she returns it, then you’re good. If she looks surprised or slightly pissed…keep walking.

Yes. The last one applies to both situations…

That’s it. That’s all.

Anything I should add?

Are YOU fucking SERIOUS?

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So, I got this comment today from an anonymous dude:

hi HLBB

my friend told me about your website and I thought i would check it out.  I like what you write. I hope this isn’t a stupid question, but my friend said it’s called her little black book because ur black. Is that true? If so, I was wondering if you could give some advice. I just ended a 2 year relationship and I’m ready to start dating. I like black music like hiphop and reggae and I’m attracted to black girls, but I’m not black, so I don’t think there interested in me. Do you have any advice for guys on how to get a black girl? Like if I wanted to date her, what can I do?

Oh motherfucker, not today.

I’m not even going to correct your grammar or your spelling, because it’s more important that I correct you.

As a Black woman (and yes, I am and NO, that’s not the reason the site is called her lil’ black book..), I have to ask you this: motherfucker, do YOU THINK WE COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS? At first, I thought this comment was a case of me getting punk’d by John Mayer or something, but seriously. SERIOUSLY?

Are you fucking SERIOUS?

You will never get WITH a Black woman. Not because we aren’t “interested” in you…it’s because you’re a fucking idiot who thinks you date a race and not a person. If you liked blondes, would you be asking me how to approach a blonde? No. So you can do nothing, except enjoy your chocolate fantasy. You shouldn’t be visiting herlilblackbook.com, you really should be visiting hotblackgirls.com (sidebar: turns out this is a real site and NSFW). You have objectified women in a way that makes me want to kick your ass. Before you even attempt, think about, or even vaguely consider dating ANY woman, I want you to shut the fuck up and read:

A woman is a fully formed person, made of more than just pigmented flesh. She has experiences, knowledge, and lessons learned, that form who and what she is. That’s what you’re stepping to when you approach a woman…any woman.I’m not naive; I know that the knowledge and experience I have gained in my 34 years has been shaped, influenced, or has been a direct result of me being Black. But there is no “Black” way of approaching a Black woman, just as there is no “Black” way of speaking, or dressing, or walking (yes, I’ve heard that before). Is there a Black way to do math? Drive a car? Exactly.

Before any of you get up in arms and accuse me of being against interracial relationships, let me share another tidbit with you: I have no problems with it at all; I’ve pretty much dated the UN. I also understand that people have aesthetic preferences. I for instance, like my brothers chocolately just as much as my boy Rich likes his women blonde; that’s aesthetics. What makes me want to bitch slap you Ari Gold style Mr. Anonymous, is that you have bought into the stereotype of what a Black woman is. A stereotype, I must remind you, that has no basis in any kind of reality because YOU HAVE NEVER DATED A BLACK WOMAN!

(gee, I wonder why…?)

So, what is it about us sistahs that turns you on so much? Is it our bodacious booties? Our coco butter scented skin? Our struggle to make a salary comparable to our White counterparts? Our conrows? Our inherent tendency to dance on the beat? Is it the exotic-ness of names like Kimberly, Charlene, Monica and Cheryl? (sarcasm, those are the names of the women in my family…) Is it the idea that you’ll make exotic looking babies with us? Is it the texture of our real hair that turns you on? Or is it when we’re rocking a silky weave? Wait, is it because of our ability to face discrimination, judgement and stereotyping on a daily basis by strangers, co-workers and idiot motherfuckers who want to know how to date Black women? Or is it our neck rolling, sassy attitudes?

I really want to know. You have my full attention.

Did you really think I would say: ”oh! To get a Black girl, just say something like ‘peep this shit shawty, I thinks you fine, let’s hang out, word?’ and you’ll have all the Black girls chasing you!”

Before asking me this dumbass question, did you READ anything else I’ve written? You know, that the whole point of this site is to help men understand women, by providing stories, viewpoints and examples of what you should and shouldn’t do? Such as date based on racial stereotypes as opposed to seeking out a person who will have shit in common with you, that you find attractive and in turn finds you interesting and attractive?

You can embrace “Blackness” all you want, that’s just fine…but  it does not make you a member of my race any more than fucking me makes you a member of my gender. It does not magically give you my history, my experiences or my knowledge. When you’re in an interracial relationship, there are going to be things about a person’s culture and race that you will learn from them, that you you may have otherwise never learned. Learn. Not assume. I have no idea what your racial background is (and the ladies I relayed this story to have their opinions), nor will I bother trying to guess. What I will guess is that:

a) you don’t step out of your narrow minded world much

b) your idea of what a Black woman is like, is based on BET and XXL magazine

c) you enjoy exotic foods like pizza and Ho Lee Chow

I’m pissed Anonymous. Because you can’t see that a person’s culture and race is an extension of who they are, not the definition of who they are. You cannot approach a woman, ANY woman, based on her character rather than the superficiality of her appearance…you’re afraid to approach a real woman, so you approach a “stereotype” instead. Yes Anonymous, you’ll find lots of girls who will cater to your stereotype, but THAT is not a Black woman, that’s a girl who is as misguided as you are.

Should the day come that you meet a woman who is funny, intelligent, caring, sexy, and wonderful…PLUS she’s a lovely shade of mocha that you find attractive, that you will have developed the stones to ask her out based on THAT criteria.

Not because you think you have to be, think of her or approach her any differently from someone who shares your shading.

Until then. Don’t let me catch you in the streets…because I will bitch slap you.

How to be a Playa…

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“P-101″ is inscribed on a piece of jewellery that I gave to a man once…he still has it. There was a time when this man juggled so many women, I asked him to draw me an organizational chart in Visio, just so that I could keep up with the conversation. But, if you were just to know him casually, you wouldn’t know or have any idea that he has a list as long as George Clooney’s. The inscription stands for “Playa 101″ – as in he’s such an accomplished Playa that he could teach a class. The women he leaves in his wake have no animosity towards him; he’s honest and discreet. A true Playa…

This particular Playa is semi-retired now, but I tend to befriend men who are real Playas (and date the men who THINK they are…) and have learned a lot from them. So while my friend has yet to set a course syllabus, I’ve decided that today, I will illustrate some of his techniques for you so-called lower-case “p” playas.

I don’t hate the Playa by the way, it’s just that some of you have no idea how to play the game…

Like attracts like…
Some of you playas are really just serial monogamists. You jump from quasi-relationship to quasi-relationship. You act like a boyfriend because you want to have the girlfriend experience (yes, I know where that term is derived from, all implications intended) but when things ramp up… you freak out. I don’t know how many times women have to say this, but there are some who aren’t interested in a relationship, even a quasi one. You keep going after the ones who are interested…and then have to develop an exit strategy when she starts talking about commitment. Playas actively seek out their female counterparts – let’s call them the “Free Agents” – and enjoy all the commitment-free sex they can handle.

Ethics and discretion are important…
They don’t brag about conquests…in fact, most playas I know don’t even name names! The bragging that some of you do with your boys (as in “yeah, I hit that” when scrolling through your Facebook albums) is pretty, well pathetic. One Playa I know said the only time he would ever tell a boy he “hit that” was if his boy was going after the same girl – and then let the friend decide for themselves. Another refuses to comment on a girl’s performance, lest she become the friend of another playa. Oh, and most playas aren’t territorial…just because he had her doesn’t mean he’ll discourage anyone else from going after her. When one playa found out that a friend of his met one of his former flings and was interested in a relationship, he said nothing to his friend. Knowing that his friend might be a little intimidated about being a follow up act, he contacted the fling and said, “what’s past is past, all I’ve said is that we used to work together…” (which was true). She was so grateful that she regularly sends other Free Agents his way. By the way, she’s no longer a Free Agent – still with that same dude now for 3 years.

There are plenty of fish in the sea…and various bodies of water…
So you quasi playas need to find new pools to swim in. This is the most egregious of sins: DON’T PLAY AMONGST FRIENDS!! If you find yourself attracted to one of her friends, one of her coworkers, a relative – you are shit outta luck. No matter how tempting, do not attempt to hookup, date or even flirt with anyone connected to one of your former flings/ex-quasi girlfriends. Women talk…don’t you know this??

Which means a: she knows you got up in her girl and b: will TELL her girl when you try to get up in her. Most ethical women (and especially Free Agents) abide by this code…which means if you have had your fun with one, you don’t get to have fun with the other. Go find another pool to play in. You come off as nothing more than a pussy predator and have now pissed off two women. Who will then talk; there go your references sweetie. Now, if you didn’t KNOW the women were friends/connected/related – and this happens – you are honest with the first and discreet with the second. You had a thing with Girl A months ago and things ended well enough. You then meet Girl B under completely separate circumstances. One night (hopefully before anything goes down), you bump into them together…You don’t panic. Greet both of them and be sure to say “I didn’t know you guys knew each other!”. After this meeting, you contact Girl A and let her know that you will back off from Girl B if it makes her feel uncomfortable. Provided you abided by the first two steps, she’ll most likely give you the go ahead. But honestly, Girl B will probably feel weirded out by the situation and will avoid you. Again, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Playas are original…
If you have a tried and true method for obtaining new flings, you need some new methods. Using the same lines, pickup techniques and date spots will come off as rehearsed. Playas have a reputation, so it would be in your best interest if you’re not repetitive.

Playas are respectful…
They call/text the day after. Should they need to introduce a fling to people they’ll say “this is my friend…” not “this is, uhm, my f-friend” or “this is my SPECIAL FRIEND”. I know a girl who was introduced as the “special friend” at a party, she felt like the men in the room were trying to figure out what her “specialty” was. Dude got cut off.  Going back to the first point about like attracting like, should a Playa find himself in a situation where the girl has caught feelings, he immediately sets the record straight – giving the woman an opportunity to reset herself or remove herself from his roster. Playas love women – they aren’t conquests, fuck buddies or jump offs….they’re friends or ladies or “a girl I know”. They don’t call their friends at 3 a.m. drunk and expecting sex, they sometimes preface the sex with a quasi-date (as in “hey, you’re hungry I’m hungry…wanna grab a bite and then head back to your/my place?”) Say you meet someone that you do want to play with exclusively, you let the other one(s) know. They’ll respect you for it. Playas don’t flaunt their status either. My aforementioned friend doesn’t wear the jewellery I gave him on a regular basis – nor did I expect him to – the inscription remains an inside joke that he rarely explains to people…

They do the things a friend does…
Like remember birthdays, congratulate them on promotions, compliment them on achievements. It doesn’t make you a boyfriend to be happy for a friend does it? Geesh…would it kill you to say “congrats” if she announces on her wall that she got a promotion? Afraid of being too “familiar”? Lemme break it too you sweetie: you had your head between her thighs…you’re familiar. You don’t blow off your friends should something else come up, right? (if you do, you’re a shite friend) So should something come up, you don’t blow off your fling(s) either.

They NEVER denigrate an ex-fling.
What’s past is past. She could’ve been the worst night of sex in your life…the only person who needs to know that tidbit is your best friend and your therapist. Unless you are in  an interrogation room or on a witness stand, there’s really no need to disclose what her goodies are like. If you a multi-media type of Playa, you destroy all video/images or keep them under secure lock and key…i.e. a USB drive tucked away in a drawer with your porn collection, NOT on your laptop’s hard drive that’s then accessed by a drunk friend who has a YouTube account. If things end badly and sometimes they do… you let it go. Don’t try to be the hero… that’s mixing signals and crossing lines. You send through some sort of apology (as in “sorry things couldn’t work out between us”) and leave it at that.

Oh, most importantly be honest…
Wow. Honesty. How many times do I preach about that? Should you meet “the one” let her know about your Playa past. You don’t have to give names and dates, but you should be able to say something like “look, I was a bit of a playa…but I’m interested in commitment with you”. Besides, this reduces the awkwardness of those encounters… You tell the flings (when questioned) that you have met someone and you want to try commitment. I know one Playa that called his roster when he met “the one”. At first there was disbelief and ridicule, but as the months went by, those jokes turned to respect and when he announced that he was getting married, 3 of them sent presents! Presents!

When he told me that, I said “damn…you’re good”.

How many women can say that about YOU??

hoarders: the girl edition

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This post is inspired by an encounter I had with a friend this past weekend and goes out to the “Girl Hoarders”…

You are:
A guy, single or single-ish (i.e. playing the field) and you have a collection of women in your life that for some reason, you just can’t let go of. As a result, you state often that THE ONE does not exist for you or, you haven’t met her yet. But, when you scroll though your address book, you come across the following entries:

The “Crazy” Ex- Girlfriend (CXG)
You keep her number in your phone so that you can avoid her calls. When you were together, your relationship was nothing but stress and drama – with some good sex thrown in, because we all know that the crazier she is, the better the sex is.

The Friend WITHOUT Benefits (FWO)
She’s truly a good friend – to you. You’ve never shared any benefits, and she’s just chill, y’know? A really good friend and hey, it’s platonic; no sexual attraction. She’s like a sister to you.

But you’ve got your best boy, your boss and your mother asking whether she’s (not so secretly) in love with you. Especially since she does almost all the things a girlfriend would, except have sex with you. But c’mon now, you know…deep down inside…that if you asked…she’d give it up. You ignore these signs because you either want to keep the friendship or exploit it.

The Friend with Benefits (FWB)
You two have an arrangement and that’s all there is between the two of you.
But, on occasion you’ve been known to give her a call to just hang out, and sometimes, that hanging out feels more like a date. It’s a nice feeling, so now you call her up if you’re bored and want to go see Avatar, and maybe you’ll get some after…

The Random (3AM)
She was a random hookup from a few months ago, and it was alright. But you have your FWB, so you don’t really need to call on her, but if your arrangement with the FWB falls through, you have this to fall back on.

The Swim Fan (SF)
She’s kinda like the FWO, except she’s not a friend. She’s someone you work with, or maybe you know them through a friend. But after a few choice encounters, this chick knows your favourite colours, positions (even though she hasn’t had the pleasure), sports team and possibly even knows that you have a CXG. How? Remember when your crazy ex showed up at that party once, looking for “closure” and you used the SF as a prop girlfriend? Yeah.

The One that Got Away (TOGA)
Oooh… her number is hard to scroll by, yeah? You realized after it ended that there could’ve been something there, but it got fucked up. You have in the past drunk texted/called her and she didn’t respond. So you called the FWB, but she wasn’t answering at 3 a.m. so you called the 3AM for a little post-club, gotta-forget-this-girl sex.

The New One (TNO)
You just met her and you think there could be something there, but just in case, you won’t delete the numbers of any of the above…

You just can’t let go can you? The people on the show Hoarders just can’t let go of stuff; they think that they need to keep it around because one day they might need it. You know what happens to these people? They end up being trapped by their shit. That’s what happened to my friend; he got trapped by these women. I adore him to bits, but he collects women like they’re things and eventually, life caught up with him and he realized he was trapped; he couldn’t meet anyone new. Being his actual friend, I’ve had the opportunity to watch him when he adds to his collection and it’s impressive. (Puhleeeze! Our friendship began because he tried to add me…)

One day, I asked him why he just didn’t delete the numbers he wasn’t going to call or set the record straight with the FWO/FWB and the 3AM types. His answer? He didn’t have one.

He was keeping them around because it felt good: it fed his ego. Again, keep in mind that the above descriptions are not your friends (i.e. true platonic friends) – I have nothing against male/female friendships…hell, there’d be no blog if I had no guy friends of my own. But, you, the Hoarder? These are the women you keep on the bench…y’know the ones that you call after a breakup. No? Read the following and see if you recognize yourself:

Break up with CXG or the TOGA, so you call the FWO to talk about it, and she reminds you what a great guy you are. Feeling better, you then call the FWB to see if she can “hang out”. After that, one of your boys calls you up to go out, so you pick up a 3AM to feed the ego a bit more. On Sunday, you remember how nice brunches used to be with the TOGA and check her Facebook status to find that she’s finally blocked you, so you send her a text asking why…and get no response. On Monday when you see the SF, you flirt a little bit more just to see her smile…

lather, rinse, repeat until you find: The New One.

Yeah, you’re a Hoarder. Now is there anything wrong with Hoarding? Uh…yes! You’re stringing along a bunch of women who are either fully aware of your actions and judge you accordingly , or they are completely oblivious to your motivations and when made aware of them, resent you. This is the reputation you’re putting out there darling. Let me put it this way:

Say your FWO or SF has a friend that you meet. You realize she’s the THE ONE and…

Stop.

See, reputable women have a “chicks before dicks” policy. So, THE ONE? She’s not going to give you any play if she has the slightest inkling that her friend is interested in you. There lies the (lack of any) rub: YOU don’t want the FWO or SF, right? YOU know that, right? Do THEY know that?

(I’ll give you a minute to think…)

Okay, how about the FWB? You meet her sister/co-worker/friend at a party and she goes back to the FWB and says I met this really great guy! She pulls your picture up on Facebook (during the requisite background check) and your FWB /SF says, “remember that douchebag with the big dick that I used to hook up with who was only okay in bed? That’s HIM. Don’t waste your time..”

(oh, yeah, she’ll say you were just “okay”, even if she said you were the best sex she ever had…because well, she recognized you for what you are…a Hoarder)

Do you see the signs? Are you wondering why you haven’t met THE ONE? It’s because you might have already, but she couldn’t see you past all that garbage cluttering up your romantic life. The majority of women can tell when you’re a Hoarder; even if they don’t admit it to themselves (i.e. FWO). These women cannot and will not take you seriously, and your true female friends? Like I said, I adore my friend; he’s funny, charming, gorgeous, smart, blah blah blah…but he would never be introduced to any of my girls as a potential…

So I’ll tell you what I told him: it’s time to clean house.