Category Archives: lying

3 Words… 8 Letters… 1 Answer…

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The poor guy who sent me this email said that I could respond publicly because he’s certain there are guys out there in the same situation. So here goes:

“…My girlfriend wanted to know where we were going and said that she could see herself falling in love with me. When she said it, I didn’t know what to say because I’m not sure if I’m in love with her. We’re cool, we’ve been together for about a year. Is she asking me to tell her that I love her?”

Excuse me while I sigh for about 5 minutes…

Dude.

Duuuuude.

3 Words. 8 letters. 1 meaning.

Yes. She’s asking you to tell her.

Except…you don’t know?

I’m going to assume some facts that weren’t in the email. I’m going to assume she is your girlfriend and not an “arrangement”. I’m also going to assume this relationship has gone past simply dating and that it’s exclusive.

Okay. So you’re in an exclusive relationship, what now? All relationships have milestones; you go from a date, to dating, to not dating anyone else, to possible cohabitation or marriage. The transition time between the first three steps is much shorter – much, much shorter – than the time between exclusively dating and the “major step”. More often than not, she gets to that stage before you.

Perception. How you’re viewing the relationship and how she’s viewing the relationship are obviously different. She’s played it safe by saying that she can see herself falling in love with you. That statement is a bit passive; if she can picture it, then she already is falling (or has fallen) in love with you. But before she makes that declaration, she wants to know if you view her and the relationship in the same way. She’s not going to put herself out there without that safety net.

Yes or no: do you think about her when you’re not with her? Do you envision a future with her in it? Do you ever wonder what your kids will look like (assuming you two don’t have any)? Does the thought of NOT being with her upset you in any way? Does the thought of not being with her freak you out more than thoughts of saying I love you?

Now, I could easily say to you “go back and tell her that you care deeply for her, but that you haven’t reached that point yet…” But that would get your ass seriously whipped.

One would think that you’ve examined your feelings, but maybe you haven’t…so you better get on it hunny bunny. She’s forced your hand in this situation, and if you can’t picture a life with her past your immediate future, then you’ve got problems.

She’s pictured it. She’s wondered what your kids will look like. The thought of not being in a relationship with you upsets her. Ultimately, she wants to know that this relationship has an end goal and that you’re “working” towards something.

“I love you.”

This says to her you’re serious and that there is an end goal. This says that you will one day take that major step with her. This will be her comfort a couple of years from now when your relationship hasn’t evolved past what it is today. Knowing that you love her will be her response in five or ten years when people (including the little voice in her head) doubt the relationship and wonder why you two still haven’t taken the next step.

Yes or no: do you love her?

I will say this: if you really did, you wouldn’t have emailed me in the first place.

You’re not ready. I’m sure you care about her… otherwise you wouldn’t have emailed me. Your question then isn’t about her honey. It’s about you. You want to know how to preserve what you have right now, today and not lose it.

Straight goods: your answer will be her yes or no. If you love her, she stays; if you don’t (know yet) she goes.

I don’t know how long it’s been since you two had that conversation. If she’s brought it up since then and you still haven’t responded, then she is definitely waiting for you to say it/confirm that this is a relationship worth her time and investment. If she hasn’t brought it up since that convo… well, you should.

Don’t hide from it and ask her where she sees the two of you going. I WILL warn you, she’ll interpret that statement on it’s own as a sign that you do love her. So if you ask, you need to tell her that you don’ t know.

Her response will be something like, “you don’t KNOW?! Motherfucker how do you not KNOW? You either do or you don’t!”

So…tell her that what you don’t know and then tell her what you do know.  Tell her all the reasons you’re with her today and then give her a choice: you two can continue on with what you think is a good thing, while you figure your shit out. Or you’ll have no choice but to accept the consequences of not saying I love you today and watch her leave your ass behind.

BUT, if you do love her and you’re just too chickenshit to say it because the last time you did you got your heart broken…

Nut up and tell her, or run the risk of losing a woman you love.

Disclaimer: I’ve never been the one to say those 3 words first…ever. Ladies, weigh in on this: what should he do?

Marking Your Territory…

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Animals mark their territory by using scent. Dogs mark trees, fire hydrants etc. Deers make little piles of dirt and pee in it. Cats scent-mark by rubbing their faces and flanks against objects…

The homo sapien male? Just like your damn opposable thumbs, y’all have a whole other way of doing it. Competitive creatures you men are. I love competition, so I find it highly amusing when a man suddenly realizes that others are entering into his “territory”. I’m not talking about the jealous or protective boyfriend either…I’m talking about the ones who aren’t even involved with the girl in the first damn place! So you’ve met or know Mrs. (Just Not) Right (Now), but you’ve put her on hold until:

Your boys see her…  I have been put “on hold” lots of times. (*insert dramatic eye roll here*) One of my favourite “she’s mine!” moments happened when I bumped into guy who had put me on hold for a while, long past the point of me caring. We ended up meeting a bunch of his friends and hanging out for a few hours. After a while, I needed to head home, as this gathering was an unscheduled stop in my day. My friend who had me on hold literally introduced me to his friends like this: “this is HLBB…she writes, she plans events, she’s funny…this is wife material right here” all while putting his arm around my shoulders.

“Wife.” Not even “Wifey”, but wife.  For the record, I’ve been called “wife material” only once before. To know me is to know I’m not wife material; I’m barely girlfriend material…I digress. One friend in the group was trying to convince me to stay on with them. But I really had to go. The friend flirtatiously reached out for my hand and said “well it was lovely to meet you and hopefully I’ll get to see you again…”

Before he could finish his thought…Mr. On Hold sputtered “aye aye aye! Back off she’s mine!” while actually putting his arm as a barricade between us (at 6’5 that was a pretty big barricade)

MUTHAFUCKA PLEASE! YOU:

Have never asked me out on date…we’d bump into each other, go for coffee or walk n’ talk, that’s it. Have never tried to kiss me, let alone try to have sex with me. Have never been to my place. I have never been to your place. While we have tones of people in common, some of my nearest and dearest friends didn’t even realize that we knew each other.

BUT I’M YOURS?!? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit…

Your boy wants to have sex with her (since you won’t)…

Another story I was told recently involved a girl and a guy and the guy’s friend. We all know you have the “I’d hit it” list…and for whatever reason with this particular girl, you haven’t. But my girl? She was offering it up to the guy. On a silver platter… and like Prince did with Sherri Sheppard the other day, dude exited stage left…hastily.Dude said after that he declined because he valued their friendship and thought that sex would make it awkward to hang out, especially since he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.

(*insert girl’s pouty face here*)

Fine. She didn’t push it. They continued to hang. She lusted after him in silence. Until…

A friend of HIS added her to his “I’d hit it” list.

Invited to a party at Dude’s house she showed up looking, not fabulous as the rules of the rear view mirror would dictate, but casual…so casual that she (in her words) looked like she was going grocery shopping. But the friend of the Dude liked the view. After drinks were consumed, the Dude’s friend openly declared that he would like to get naked with the girl…The girl politely declined because well, she wasn’t interested.

Party’s over. Dude offers to drive her home. She declines. He insists. His friend is so drunk that he leaves him passed out on his couch. He drives her home, gives her a hug g’night (as has been their M.O. for years)…the hug turns into a kiss…the kiss turns into more kissing…the kissing turns into Dude leaving her house the next morning.

Mission accomplished. His friend won’t be able to get naked with the girl because he’s hit it…and what friend is going to go where another man has already marked his territory? Does girl know she was used for this purpose? Yes. This is why she told me the story over cocktails and giggles… “He got to cockblock…I got the cock”. (Yes, my girls are vulgar sometimes, that’s why I love ‘em)

Been there, did her…you might as well have worn the t-shirt…

Saw this once in a club. Picture it. Birthday party. Nightclub. Private room. The birthday girl has previously enjoyed an “arrangement” with one of her guests. But that is long in the past and the arrangement has returned to being friends with no benefits. There was no drama, no remorse, no animosity. This guy even had a new lady love that he brought to said party. Our girl was also involved with a guy who was of course by her side, holding on to her waist, refreshing her drink…very lovey dovey.

Well, I guess it stirred up some old memories for the guy, because for the rest of the night he kept dropping inside knowledge on the girl to the group assembled. Her penchant for eating sour key candies. Her fear of spiders. Her “Sleeping with the Enemy” obsession with her hand towels in her bathroom. Random facts that when examined on their own, really don’t say anything. But, with the right tone, coupled with a few “remember that time when…” stories… it all adds up to “HISTORY”.  He might as well have worn a shirt that said “I fucked her before you did!!”

Dumbass didn’t even realize how much of a dumbass he was, because it turned out that our girl already told her honey that she had a long ago history with Dumbass but Dumbass? He never told his new lady…

Yes. She caught on and his dumb ass got caught out…

You play referee…without anyone knowing

This one is the most confusing. You know a girl. You have no claim – past present or future – to her. But…I dunno.

She expresses interest in one of your friends. Friend expresses interest in her. On paper, they’d be a good match. You’d get to play matchmaker. But instead you decide to play referee and suddenly, there’s a flag on the play. You as the sneaky bastard tell the friend she’s not looking. You tell the girl a list of his faults; yes he’s your friend, but he’s “an idiot”? Really?

Why are they being penalized for liking each other? Is your friend that much of a bad catch or are you…jealous?

Last night I was reminded of a situation that involved this. I had expressed interest in the friend of a friend (basically I said “he’s hot. Introduce us”) and suddenly this guy “was not the kind of guy for (me)”. Literally, we had an hour long conversation about it the next day.

My friend? He was my friend but interested in my girl. In fact, my girl (STUPIDLY) asked him once why he chose her over me since we obviously got along so well…he said that I was the kind of girl you called up to play pool with and hang out, but she was the kind of girl you took out to dinner.

I was also the girl that apparently was “too good” for anyone else he knew. I’m no longer friends with either of them. Oh, and they never got together; she strung him along until she got back with her ex…

(*insert HLBB shrug here*)

So boys. Basically, marking your territory is stupid. For the most part, we women recognize what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It’s not fair to her and most importantly, it’s not fair to you. You’re going to end up sitting in your throne, king of your territory…

Alone. And possibly smelling like pee.

hoarders: the girl edition

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This post is inspired by an encounter I had with a friend this past weekend and goes out to the “Girl Hoarders”…

You are:
A guy, single or single-ish (i.e. playing the field) and you have a collection of women in your life that for some reason, you just can’t let go of. As a result, you state often that THE ONE does not exist for you or, you haven’t met her yet. But, when you scroll though your address book, you come across the following entries:

The “Crazy” Ex- Girlfriend (CXG)
You keep her number in your phone so that you can avoid her calls. When you were together, your relationship was nothing but stress and drama – with some good sex thrown in, because we all know that the crazier she is, the better the sex is.

The Friend WITHOUT Benefits (FWO)
She’s truly a good friend – to you. You’ve never shared any benefits, and she’s just chill, y’know? A really good friend and hey, it’s platonic; no sexual attraction. She’s like a sister to you.

But you’ve got your best boy, your boss and your mother asking whether she’s (not so secretly) in love with you. Especially since she does almost all the things a girlfriend would, except have sex with you. But c’mon now, you know…deep down inside…that if you asked…she’d give it up. You ignore these signs because you either want to keep the friendship or exploit it.

The Friend with Benefits (FWB)
You two have an arrangement and that’s all there is between the two of you.
But, on occasion you’ve been known to give her a call to just hang out, and sometimes, that hanging out feels more like a date. It’s a nice feeling, so now you call her up if you’re bored and want to go see Avatar, and maybe you’ll get some after…

The Random (3AM)
She was a random hookup from a few months ago, and it was alright. But you have your FWB, so you don’t really need to call on her, but if your arrangement with the FWB falls through, you have this to fall back on.

The Swim Fan (SF)
She’s kinda like the FWO, except she’s not a friend. She’s someone you work with, or maybe you know them through a friend. But after a few choice encounters, this chick knows your favourite colours, positions (even though she hasn’t had the pleasure), sports team and possibly even knows that you have a CXG. How? Remember when your crazy ex showed up at that party once, looking for “closure” and you used the SF as a prop girlfriend? Yeah.

The One that Got Away (TOGA)
Oooh… her number is hard to scroll by, yeah? You realized after it ended that there could’ve been something there, but it got fucked up. You have in the past drunk texted/called her and she didn’t respond. So you called the FWB, but she wasn’t answering at 3 a.m. so you called the 3AM for a little post-club, gotta-forget-this-girl sex.

The New One (TNO)
You just met her and you think there could be something there, but just in case, you won’t delete the numbers of any of the above…

You just can’t let go can you? The people on the show Hoarders just can’t let go of stuff; they think that they need to keep it around because one day they might need it. You know what happens to these people? They end up being trapped by their shit. That’s what happened to my friend; he got trapped by these women. I adore him to bits, but he collects women like they’re things and eventually, life caught up with him and he realized he was trapped; he couldn’t meet anyone new. Being his actual friend, I’ve had the opportunity to watch him when he adds to his collection and it’s impressive. (Puhleeeze! Our friendship began because he tried to add me…)

One day, I asked him why he just didn’t delete the numbers he wasn’t going to call or set the record straight with the FWO/FWB and the 3AM types. His answer? He didn’t have one.

He was keeping them around because it felt good: it fed his ego. Again, keep in mind that the above descriptions are not your friends (i.e. true platonic friends) – I have nothing against male/female friendships…hell, there’d be no blog if I had no guy friends of my own. But, you, the Hoarder? These are the women you keep on the bench…y’know the ones that you call after a breakup. No? Read the following and see if you recognize yourself:

Break up with CXG or the TOGA, so you call the FWO to talk about it, and she reminds you what a great guy you are. Feeling better, you then call the FWB to see if she can “hang out”. After that, one of your boys calls you up to go out, so you pick up a 3AM to feed the ego a bit more. On Sunday, you remember how nice brunches used to be with the TOGA and check her Facebook status to find that she’s finally blocked you, so you send her a text asking why…and get no response. On Monday when you see the SF, you flirt a little bit more just to see her smile…

lather, rinse, repeat until you find: The New One.

Yeah, you’re a Hoarder. Now is there anything wrong with Hoarding? Uh…yes! You’re stringing along a bunch of women who are either fully aware of your actions and judge you accordingly , or they are completely oblivious to your motivations and when made aware of them, resent you. This is the reputation you’re putting out there darling. Let me put it this way:

Say your FWO or SF has a friend that you meet. You realize she’s the THE ONE and…

Stop.

See, reputable women have a “chicks before dicks” policy. So, THE ONE? She’s not going to give you any play if she has the slightest inkling that her friend is interested in you. There lies the (lack of any) rub: YOU don’t want the FWO or SF, right? YOU know that, right? Do THEY know that?

(I’ll give you a minute to think…)

Okay, how about the FWB? You meet her sister/co-worker/friend at a party and she goes back to the FWB and says I met this really great guy! She pulls your picture up on Facebook (during the requisite background check) and your FWB /SF says, “remember that douchebag with the big dick that I used to hook up with who was only okay in bed? That’s HIM. Don’t waste your time..”

(oh, yeah, she’ll say you were just “okay”, even if she said you were the best sex she ever had…because well, she recognized you for what you are…a Hoarder)

Do you see the signs? Are you wondering why you haven’t met THE ONE? It’s because you might have already, but she couldn’t see you past all that garbage cluttering up your romantic life. The majority of women can tell when you’re a Hoarder; even if they don’t admit it to themselves (i.e. FWO). These women cannot and will not take you seriously, and your true female friends? Like I said, I adore my friend; he’s funny, charming, gorgeous, smart, blah blah blah…but he would never be introduced to any of my girls as a potential…

So I’ll tell you what I told him: it’s time to clean house.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

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(or how to properly handle a hook up…)

This has come up a lot lately – heh.

But first, what might be for some a minor or major revelation: not every woman NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to have sex. Women are capable of flings, one night stands, encounters, fuck buddy-ism, or as my (way too young) friend Charlie Brown calls it “communications”. Yes. You don’t have to wife her in order to fuck her. BUT there is a way to handle it with grace:

1 – be honest about what it is from the start, even if you think she doesn’t want to hear it. My gawd, I’m so sick of hearing/reading the advice that men give to each other about lying. You know what makes a girl a crazy bitch? Lying. When we find out you’ve lied, it makes it MUCH MUCH worse than what you were trying to cover up.

For instance: the story goes that we were “seeing” each other. He sat me down and had the talk and it went like this: It’s fun being with you, but I just got out of a relationship, I can’t be in a relationship right now…so I just want to make sure you’re not expecting anything more… blah blah blah…” Me: great, because I don’t want a relationship either. Glad to see we’re on the same page…now take off your clothes.”

Three days later, he introduced me to one of his friends as his girlfriend. Oh and on the same day, said he had to stop at his sister’s house. Where we stayed for dinner. Oh did I mention it was Good Friday? Yeah…which leads to:

2 – don’t give mixed signals. Yes, he got cussed for the above and was called on it. Speaking of mixed signals…

3 – if she says she’s a relationship type but is cool with the “arrangement”, end it. She’s the relationship type and is NOT okay with the arrangement. Do not try to justify it after by saying “you knew what this was…” Because here’s another revelation: women are capable of lying. How do you find out whether or not she’s the relationship type? Well…

4 – talk about how you’re feeling about relationships from the beginning and remember 1 and 2 – be honest. No mixed signals. A mixed signal would be to ask her how she feels about relationships. She could misread this as “how do you feel about a relationship with me?”. Instead, say “I’m into having fun right now…I don’t want anything serious…blah blah” and MEAN it. Because I know you are screaming at the monitor “but that’s what I said!”. AGAIN: mean it! No more of this bullshit “I could be in a relationship with you, but not right now…” if she is relationship material for you, don’t treat her like a jumpoff. Talk about sex, talk about TV. Don’t talk about your childhood, don’t ask about hers. Basically, don’t involve her in your life and don’t involve yourself in hers!

Don’t ask about her family. Don’t ask about her friends. Don’t offer advice when she comes to you with a problem. Don’t spend the night. Don’t cuddle.

This is sex. NOT a relationship.

Do give her advance notice by at least a few hours (she may have to wax/shave).
Do bring the party favours (I mean condoms, not toys).
Do be considerate of her needs…yes, you’ve finished, so she gets to as well…
Do be a friend and not an asshole – you know, be complimentary, she did something great, thank her, make sure she gets home okay
Do remember 1 and 2 at all times…. so when she’s giving it to you so good you want to cry and she asks what you’re doing in a month because she needs a date to a wedding…say no.

Will this make you popular with her? NO. Will she call you an asshole? Probably. Will she badmouth you to her friends? YES… but when she describes what you said and how you acted and her trusted BFF realizes that you were honest at all times: I’ll — I mean, her BFF will look at her and say “but he told you that he didn’t want a relationship!”

When you see her on the street (because let’s face it, how often are you going to go out?) don’t ignore her! You’re with people? Introduce her as your friend. No intonation, no winks, no “special friend”. Just “my friend ____________” You know you’re going to tell your boys you hit it after, but remember, be a friend and avoid making her feel like she’s a party favour when she’s standing in front of you.

Speaking of friends…if you’ve been friends for a while, and I mean like years…but nothing ever happened? It won’t. Don’t call her up after years of friendship and try to turn your friend into a “buddy”. You can turn a friend into a girlfriend, but you cannot turn her into a buddy. The mere suggestion of it after years of friendship degrades the friendship, and insults her. As for the buddy, keep in touch for as long as you want to sleep with her. Don’t have long intimate conversations that last for 5 hours (that’s a mixed signal) actually, if you can talk to her for 5 hours…she’s not a jumpoff.

And if you meet someone that you like and feel like you could date this girl? Don’t call the “buddy” when you feel like getting some. Oh, you KNOW that happens. My boy decided to respect the wishes of the girl he liked and waited about a month…but was getting it every week from the “buddy”. You do that, and you risk the wrath of two crazy bitches…

Need to know some post-fling protocol? Stay tuned….

p.s. I didn’t know what to name this first (of many) posts on this subject and then the lovely and talented Nebby Neb of the Segment tweeted (for unrelated reasons) the words “kiss kiss, bang bang”. Thanks sweetie!