click here to read Her side of the story… I saw her at least once a week. We were busy in the warehouse and to get away from the madness, I would go out to take care of mundane administrative … Continue reading
Then, It Happened…
Category Archives: if that's your boyfriend
Are You “Single”?
Are you “single”?
Define it.
Semantics: the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. There are a number of branches and subbranches of semantics, including conceptual semantics, which studies the cognitive structure of meaning.
In other words, you say you’re “single…” and she says “my boyfriend…”
A while back I met a guy who described himself as single because that’s what he has to declare on his taxes…never mind the girlfriend of 3 years. He did say he didn’t cheat, or even wanted to; he simply was, based on the definition of the word “single”.
I met a girl who described to a group of us her “boyfriend”, and how he broke up with her after 3 months of dating because “he wasn’t ready to have a girlfriend”. Never mind that he hadn’t slept at home in 2.5 months and had two (2!) hockey equipment bags’ worth of stuff to move out when they broke up.
But this one? This is my favourite:
(p.s. follow Cheekie, she’s hilarious)
Really? He says he bought a ring. SHE says they’re engaged?
How are we as adults, speaking the same language (I assume), not understanding each other?
Instead of defining words, let’s define expectations, shall we? What are you expecting from the woman in your life/sights/bed right now? Are you looking for someone to bring to Sunday’s BBQ? Are you looking for her to be gone by Sunday morning? Are you looking for someone you can confide in, or is she someone you keep hidden? Are you making you expectations clear in both WORD and ACTION and, is she doing the same?
If you are having an arrangement but acting like a boyfriend, you’re sending mixed signals.
But how, HLBB? If I’m telling her that I’m not ready for a girlfriend, why isn’t she listening?
Because darling boy, actions speak louder.
You’re not ready for a girlfriend, but she’s met a family member, and your boys…on purpose, not just because you bumped into them on the street. You’ve gone away for a weekend (or suggested it). One of you has taken care of the other when you’re sick. One of you is at the other’s place most nights of the week. You know her birthday, or there was an exchange of presents for some sort of holiday…
Shall I continue? Get it? You’re acting like a boyfriend.
(Pssst…let’s pretend that there are no women listening in on our convo, okay?)
Look, I know what the “I’m not ready for a girlfriend” statement really is. It’s an out. Don’t get me wrong. You’re not lying…you really aren’t ready.
FOR HER.
Because if the woman of your dreams came along at this moment, and declared her undying love for you. If a Meagan Good – level beauty said she’d remove the chastity belt – for YOU – as long as there was a ring, your ass would be at Tiffany & Co. (or People’s) faster than you can say, “I do.”
But you’re not ready to give up what might be for what is right in front of you. She’s at about 70%…you’re looking to keep it 100. Makes sense.
But then, when you say those (other) three little words…“I’m not ready”, you end up giving out hope like Obama did in 2008, because all she is thinking is what will it take, what can SHE do to make you “ready”. When the reality is, unless she morphs into your dream girl, she will NEVER make you ready. Am I right?
Yeah. Let’s try a little less hope and a little more honesty.
But…
I know. The gates to coochieville will close if you tell her that some day you won’t be together. I know. I get it. But that’s the trade you have to make it life. It’s kind of a package deal, since her coochie is attached to the rest of her. If she’s ready and you’re not, you have to say “we have to end this because I’m not ready.” Yes, you can end the statement with “I’m not ready” as this will drive the point home. Then you have to stick to it. Back up your words with your actions.
If she wants a boyfriend, HER actions will also make it clear. If you say “I’m not ready…” and she says with a shrug “cool”… then trust that she is beginning to figure out what will make you “ready”. She’s cooking you meals, sharing her life, sharing her bed, even sharing her dreams, she’s doing it to get you ready; that by opening up, you’ll see all of her and want to be ready.
Meanwhile, you’re enjoying this friendship with all sorts of benefits: sex, food, clean laundry, a place to crash…all while holding the “get of this quasi relationship free” card with those three little words. One day, as it comes to an end and she angrily/sarcastically/tearfully says “why did I waste my time with you?”, you’ll be able to say:
“But I TOLD you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”
Don’t do it. I know you’re going to do it because you know no other way. Just know that you’re creating angry bitter women (coughLaurynHillcough) with this tactic. When you meet an angry bitter woman pushing for a relationship because the last guy “lied” or “screwed her over” , I will bet you that there is a 50% chance that this guy said “But I told you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”.
You’re creating the monster you’re so scared of.
Sidebar: Ladies, I’m sick of it. Really. When a man starts a sentence with “I’m not ready…” and it doesn’t end with something like “…to cum” Leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect anything. Just leave. He’s not ready for you and until he is, you’re really wasting your time.
As for miss thing with the ring? If he didn’t get down on one knee, or look you in the eye, or for fuck’s sake ASK YOU OUTRIGHT. Then you didn’t get engaged. He just went to Jared’s!
Now, if you say “I’m not ready…” and she says, “neither am I… that’s cool. Are you staying over? Because I got to get up early in the morning…” She’s not trying to have you, and she’s not trying to get caught up.
Yup. You have to stop being lazy (and horny) and hold out for the woman is – get this – NOT READY.
They exist.
You meet a Free Agent and you can enjoy all the sex, food, and comfort you could ask for, until that day comes when one of you is ready to move on.
Oh, and don’t come crying to me when she says to you “Listen…I’m just not ready…”
Now. All the REALLY Single Ladies, put your hands up. Let’s debate this at Come and Talk to Me II (June 27 2012)
The Fear of Commitment…
So.
Been a little busy, but I’m going to try and handle a big topic over the next few posts. The title of this one says it all.
Now, I won’t be bashing. Trust, the fear of commitment is not just a man thing. Say the word “wife” to me, and I reach for the Benadryl and the asthma inhaler. But we’re not here to discuss my issues…
What these posts will attempt to explain is why women ask for it, the different ways commitment is viewed, and to ask you guys what is it that makes you commit?
Scared yet? You shouldn’t be.
A reminder: I have a few slots available for Come and Talk to Me 2 on June 27… hit me up if you are willing to woo some ladies rsvp@herlilblackbook.com
To kick things off…
Got this link from my girl Iz, an editor here in the city.
Thoughts?
3 Words… 8 Letters… 1 Answer…
The poor guy who sent me this email said that I could respond publicly because he’s certain there are guys out there in the same situation. So here goes:
“…My girlfriend wanted to know where we were going and said that she could see herself falling in love with me. When she said it, I didn’t know what to say because I’m not sure if I’m in love with her. We’re cool, we’ve been together for about a year. Is she asking me to tell her that I love her?”
Excuse me while I sigh for about 5 minutes…
Dude.
Duuuuude.
3 Words. 8 letters. 1 meaning.
Yes. She’s asking you to tell her.
Except…you don’t know?
I’m going to assume some facts that weren’t in the email. I’m going to assume she is your girlfriend and not an “arrangement”. I’m also going to assume this relationship has gone past simply dating and that it’s exclusive.
Okay. So you’re in an exclusive relationship, what now? All relationships have milestones; you go from a date, to dating, to not dating anyone else, to possible cohabitation or marriage. The transition time between the first three steps is much shorter – much, much shorter – than the time between exclusively dating and the “major step”. More often than not, she gets to that stage before you.
Perception. How you’re viewing the relationship and how she’s viewing the relationship are obviously different. She’s played it safe by saying that she can see herself falling in love with you. That statement is a bit passive; if she can picture it, then she already is falling (or has fallen) in love with you. But before she makes that declaration, she wants to know if you view her and the relationship in the same way. She’s not going to put herself out there without that safety net.
Yes or no: do you think about her when you’re not with her? Do you envision a future with her in it? Do you ever wonder what your kids will look like (assuming you two don’t have any)? Does the thought of NOT being with her upset you in any way? Does the thought of not being with her freak you out more than thoughts of saying I love you?
Now, I could easily say to you “go back and tell her that you care deeply for her, but that you haven’t reached that point yet…” But that would get your ass seriously whipped.
One would think that you’ve examined your feelings, but maybe you haven’t…so you better get on it hunny bunny. She’s forced your hand in this situation, and if you can’t picture a life with her past your immediate future, then you’ve got problems.
She’s pictured it. She’s wondered what your kids will look like. The thought of not being in a relationship with you upsets her. Ultimately, she wants to know that this relationship has an end goal and that you’re “working” towards something.
“I love you.”
This says to her you’re serious and that there is an end goal. This says that you will one day take that major step with her. This will be her comfort a couple of years from now when your relationship hasn’t evolved past what it is today. Knowing that you love her will be her response in five or ten years when people (including the little voice in her head) doubt the relationship and wonder why you two still haven’t taken the next step.
Yes or no: do you love her?
I will say this: if you really did, you wouldn’t have emailed me in the first place.
You’re not ready. I’m sure you care about her… otherwise you wouldn’t have emailed me. Your question then isn’t about her honey. It’s about you. You want to know how to preserve what you have right now, today and not lose it.
Straight goods: your answer will be her yes or no. If you love her, she stays; if you don’t (know yet) she goes.
I don’t know how long it’s been since you two had that conversation. If she’s brought it up since then and you still haven’t responded, then she is definitely waiting for you to say it/confirm that this is a relationship worth her time and investment. If she hasn’t brought it up since that convo… well, you should.
Don’t hide from it and ask her where she sees the two of you going. I WILL warn you, she’ll interpret that statement on it’s own as a sign that you do love her. So if you ask, you need to tell her that you don’ t know.
Her response will be something like, “you don’t KNOW?! Motherfucker how do you not KNOW? You either do or you don’t!”
So…tell her that what you don’t know and then tell her what you do know. Tell her all the reasons you’re with her today and then give her a choice: you two can continue on with what you think is a good thing, while you figure your shit out. Or you’ll have no choice but to accept the consequences of not saying I love you today and watch her leave your ass behind.
BUT, if you do love her and you’re just too chickenshit to say it because the last time you did you got your heart broken…
Nut up and tell her, or run the risk of losing a woman you love.
Disclaimer: I’ve never been the one to say those 3 words first…ever. Ladies, weigh in on this: what should he do?
