Category Archives: freaks

50 Shades of…fuckery? Bullshit? (An explanation)

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By now, you’ve heard all about 50 Shades of Grey, the series of books (yes there’s three) that have taken over the bestsellers lists, rumoured to  be in movie development, and have taken most women completely over. One girlfriend said that she had to stop reading it because it was so hot…and that the book has brought new life into her marriage. Writing what I write, I was asked my opinion, and I responded that I couldn’t give one because I refused to read it. Then, I was challenged to read it.

To quote the best bro ever: Challenge. Accepted.

Now, you have to understand something. I love words. Reading has been my most cherished activity since I was 2 years old.

I hated these books with a passion…and I’ve read Twilight. I wanted to set these books on fire (except they were e-books and yo, iPads are expensive).

I would have rather read this version…

 

BUT, I promised I would read them, and then try to break it down to you darling boys, so that you can:

a)  understand why every other woman on the planet is reading it
b)  not feel completely left out of the pop culture conversation
c) possibly use the knowledge I’m about to give you to get laid (or laid more often)

Important to note: these books were originally written as Twilight fan fiction. Fan fiction is when people take beloved fictional characters and write new stories. The stories are usually unrelated to the original text and quite often involve a lot more sex…

OH! IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO READ, OR ARE READING THESE BOOKS, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!

Young virgin meets whiz kid billionaire (she’s 21/22…he’s 27) and they embark on a love affair/sexual journey together.

Yup. That’s it. I could fill in all the details, but that’s the elevator pitch right there. Oh, I guess I should add that the whiz kid billionaire is way into BDSM.

(for the shy kids who are afraid to google…Bondage and Discipline; Sadism and Masochism)

How much is he into it? His giant two-story condo has a playroom…full of whips, chains, and a giant cross he can attach his submissives to. When the whiz kid meets the virgin, he immediately is attracted to her (he doesn’t know she’s a virgin) and thinks she’d make a perfect sub for him.

So, he hires a private detective to run a full background check on her; learns everything about her – including her banking info, and proceeds to pursue her.

IF you are a whiz kid billionaire, you’re “pursuing”… for every other man, you are a “stalker”.

Whiz kid billionaire is also hot. Because yes, men with Bill Gates’ money are always hot… and the virgin, who has NEVER been attracted to a man, who has NEVER had a boyfriend, and who has NEVER even touched herself “down there” (as she refers to it), is attracted to him. Even more so when he invites her out to dinner…

BUT, the whiz kid billionaire knows because he’s a “sadist” (his words, not mine) that he’s a bad boy and therefore no good for the virgin. But they have a go at it anyway.

When it’s time for the deflowerment, whiz kid is PISSED. Because she didn’t tell him she was a virgin. You see, it’s only been about a week since they met, and it didn’t come up in conversation. But he takes her and…

SHE LOVES IT…
SHE HAS THE MOST SPECTACULAR MIND BLOWING ORGASM EVER.

Yes. Ever. Because it’s the ONLY ONE she’s ever had.

Ladies who are reading this, can I get personal? Did you come that first time? I mean that first time when your hymen is basically broken…was it good for you? Was it mind blowing?

You see guys, the author isn’t writing a how-to guide for virgins who have never touched themselves, she’s re-writing the memories for all the women who had painful first times, surreal first times, and who haven’t had a SPECTACULAR orgasm in a while.

Oh, and can this guy bring the orgasms. This chick has one EVERY. SINGLE.TIME.HE.PENETRATES.HER. Which is, oh…every 5-10 pages.

But whiz kid billionaire not only has this “dirty” little secret…he has a painful childhood that includes a “crack whore” of a mother who OD’d when he was 4 (he sat beside her lifeless body for 3 days), abusive men who beat him (no sex, just violence) and treated him like an ashtray; leaving him with a severe aversion to touch.

Yes. She cannot touch him. She cannot lovingly caress his chest, trickle her fingers down his spine, or embrace him in a hug. But she can suck his dick. Which she does. Like a champ. She deep throats on the first try.

Really.

BUT…

(Not BUTT, but BUT…the other stuff comes later)

He still likes to tie women up. Specifically brunette women who remind him of his crackwhore mother (seriously). He likes to tie them up and spank them, whip them, apply nipple clamps to them, and make them cum…

Oh. How did he learn that he liked all this? A cougar who was friends with his adoptive mother introduced him to the life when he was 15. He was her submissive, and as he grew older, he realized he preferred to hold the whip.

In the book, she’s a cougar with a kink. If she wasn’t rich, she’d be known as a pedophile. (Oh his adoptive parents thought he was just earning extra money cleaning out the pool…seriously)

Let’s recap: we have a physically and sexually abused boy, who is extremely bright and resourceful. By the grace of god, he is adopted into a wealthy family and given a second chance. Along the way, he realized that he could deal with the unresolved issues from his past by tying women up and beating them into orgasmic states. Because he is so rich, he has to be careful…so he has all the women sign contracts that stipulate what they will and will not do, and takes photos of them in compromising positions…which he keeps in a safe.

When the virgin realizes all of this (and has had her bottom thoroughly whipped in a “try out”session), she loses her shit and takes off. She basically says, “fuck this shit! I’m heading out of the state and I’m going to go visit my mother!”

But the whiz kid is in love, so he follows her. Now if you did this, it again would be called “stalking”. But he has a private jet so it’s cool.

(I might’ve screwed up the chronology, but all this shit happened in the space of three weeks, okay? No, not the time it took for me to read this, but the events take place over three weeks…)

When I got to the end of book one, I thought: “Okay, so now this becomes a gripping thriller where this woman is grappling with her sexual identity. She delves into the world of BDSM and decides that she is really a dominatrix, or a happy submissive. She tells story after story of nights filled with pain and pleasure. She then returns to the billionaire and it becomes a battle of sexual wits…”

Fuck… was I wrong.

She doesn’t like the whips. So he gives those up. She doesn’t like butt plugs or anything in her ass, so he gives that up too. She doesn’t like being told when to eat (it’s in the contract), how many times she has to work out (he needs her fit to withstand the sessions), and she doesn’t like being monitored. Remember the private detective? Yeah…

She does like the car (Audi, I think?), the MacBook Pro, the Blackberry and the priceless collection of books he’s given her. But they’re only on loan because she’s not a whore.

So, this man agrees to change. Give up his ways and have a “vanilla” relationship (vanilla meaning regular missionary/doggy style sex without toys).

THIS  gentlemen, is why every other woman is reading this book. THAT right there is the ultimate fantasy…THAT HE WILL CHANGE BECAUSE HE LOVES HER!

IF this had a been a book made of paper, I would’ve thrown it across the room in disgust…and why I’ll never read another e-book again.

I could go into detail about the crazy stalker dude, the ex submissive that tries to kill herself, the rivalry with the cougar (who is still in his life), the fact that he hired a gynecologist to examine her and put her on birth control, and all that other shit, but really…it’s not necessary.

Because instead of a battle of sexual wits, we get the story of a young, inexperienced girl who ends up in an abusive relationship with a guy who fucks like a champ.

Guys, this book is not porn. Yes, there’s sex. But it’s Harlequin Novel level sex. With spanking and roughly squeezed nipples.

So why are women loving it?

NOT because it’s porn. But because it is fantasy. This man is:

Good looking – gorgeous – god like, and his appearance is always impeccable (seriously, this is how she feels about him)
Alpha (well, most of his interactions with her are abusive and controlling, but here it’s presented as alpha)
Smart (billionaire before the age of 30? Hellooooo?)
Rich (see above)
And can make a woman have EXPLOSIVE orgasms EVERY TIME THEY HAVE SEX! Plays with the nipples? BOOM. Goes “down there”? BOOM. Hog ties her to a bed post and fucks her roughly? BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
Plus, he gives her a diamond ring after week 5 and they have a gorgeous wedding with honeymoon in the Mediterranean…

Pure and utter fantasy.

Oh, can I mention that while on honeymoon, she is “caught” sunbathing topless (like ALL the other women at the resort), so he covers her breasts in hickeys so that she won’t expose them to anyone else for the rest of the trip? Hickeys are bruises…that’s all I’m going to say about that.

She’s changed him. Yes. They still engage in a little kink, but never in the playroom (remember? The one with the giant cross and the strap ons?”) She did use a butt plug – once. But didn’t let the maid clean it because that would be weird (yes, his staff know all about his kink).

Oh, and I shit you not, he buys them a beautiful house on the water where they live happily ever after with their gorgeous little boy and girl.

I shit you not my darlings. I shit you the fuck not.

(oh, if this post contains more curse words than usual, it’s because the feminist in me HATES this book with a passion…but I digress)

So how can Christian Grey get you laid (more often)?

Let’s go back to the list.

Clothing/Grooming
No half stepping. He’s not always in suits and ties. In fact, his favourite outfit to spank her in is a well worn pair of jeans and a tshirt. Your clothes cannot wear you. He wears his clothes like a second skin. Regardless of the fashion choice, or the style women will find this sexy.

If there is one thing – and it’s the only thing – that I can agree with miss virgin (aka Anastasia Steele) about, it’s that this man smells good. Like all the time. He’s always freshly washed and wears his scent like it’s a pheromone.

Alpha aka Confidence
I pretty much preach this all the time. Guys, if you falter, if you half step, you will be a step behind her. Not saying that women want to walk two steps behind you, but a man that can lead, a man that has a presence? It’s a very attractive quality. He runs an empire, fine. But if you’re still running in the pack, and not taking control of the situations in your life, she’s not feeling it. She’ll date you, yes. She’ll marry you even. But…

Note: You don’t have to be the boss of her…but you need to be the boss of yourself.

Intelligence
Whiz kid. Okay maybe you’re not. But find what you’re good at and own that shit. You could be the best damn cherry picker in Ontario and you will get all the cherries you want if women see that you’re the best. Oh, developing this will breed confidence (see above).

Rich
Ah, you all think this is what gets the girl. Hell, in some cases it is. But in reality, balance your fucking checkbook and pay your bills on time. It shows you’re smart (see above).

Fucking like a champ…
Throw all your preconceived notions aside…spend more than 5 minutes on the clitoris, grab that ass, hold on to that waist and fuck like a champ dammit! Most of you are lazy fuckers, and by that, I mean that when you fuck, you do not give it HER all.  You’ll hit that gym for an hour, work out a solution at work for hours, or play video games for days…but sex? Look, I know for many of you it’s a race to see if you can bust a nut in under 9.69 seconds, but if you instead make her orgasm your goal every single time…

Trust me, she won’t need the book.

p.s. that doesn’t mean you have to have sex for hours either…

xoxo/hlbb

Greeeeeat Fucking Songs…

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Hello darlings…

My last post was about music. Specifically, suggested songs that I liked and would love to slow dance to. Awww. So romantic. So, of course, a friend of mine who was reading the post said, “you should do a post with songs to have SEX to!”

He then proceeded to sing “Bump and Grind”. Badly. Comically. Including the “my body is telling me NO, but my BODY…MY BODAAAAAY…”  When we finally composed ourselves,  he looked at me and said, “seriously. You should.”

Okay.

But instead of making it about MY choices, I decided to crowdsource, and create a list chosen by you, the people. I’ve asked a few questions on Twitter that help me inform my blogs, but dang…these answers came fast and furious. Pun intended.

So, here goes. These are the songs that YOU, dear readers love to have SEX to.

Oh, one of my favourite people Hey Homee, had me clarify (and rightfully so) whether these were songs to have sex to, or to make love to.

Sex. Hot. Sweaty. Exhilarating. Exhausting. Sex.

 

From @TinkaOCurry

Gimme Shelter – Rolling Stones

Comment. Ooooh. I’m a Stones girl. One of my older cousins was (and is) a hard-core fan.

Other suggestions: Playground Love by Air, Glory Box by Portishead.

 

From @KevinKCodes

Rock the Boat – Aaliyah

Comment: Kevin had a few suggestions, but I love this song by Baby Girl, and it’s my blog. So this is the one I’m posting

Other suggestions: Sock it to Me – Missy Elliot, Butter Love – Next

 

From @BigJacks

Lick the Pussy – Beatnuts

Comment: A hip hop aficionado (this DJ’s crates run really deep),  Jacks provided a few suggestions. All involved… “instructions”.
So I chose this one…ladies, you feel me?

Other suggestions: Kool G Rap “talk like sex”, 3-6 Mafia – Slob on my Knob, Any Too $hort song, Mobb Deep – Hit it from The Back

 

From @LidiaLF

Closer – Nine Inch Nails

Comment: In high school, one of my classmates walked in with a jacket with the band’s logo. I said, “what’s ‘nin?” When he stopped laughing, he lent me this CD. Whoa. Sidebar: I really love Maxwell’s remake of it too.

Other suggestions:  I’m Going Down – Mary J Blige, Criminal- Fiona Apple, #1 Crush – Garbage, One Minute Man – Missy Elliot

 

From @TrueOmegaNexus

WuTang x Jodeci – Freakin You Remix

Comment: how do you not nod your head while having sex to this song? #hiphopquestions

 

From @nuriddum

Old Skool Love – Divine Brown

Comment: Yesssssssssssss.

Other suggestion:  I Need You by BVSMP

 

From @djkariz

Anytime. Anyplace.  – Janet Jackson

Comment: Lobstar. One can have sex to this entire album. Yes. Including “Throb”.  And as @royalegg said, this is a “greeeeeat fucking song” (which is how I ended up with the title of this post!)

Other suggestion: Bohemian Rhapsody, but then I cussed him out for that. Not that people can’t get down to choruses…

 

From @dd_toronto

Anvil Chorus – Giuseppe Verdi’s Il Trovatore

Comment: admittedly, I didn’t know the name, but I recognized this right away when it started playing. Sidebar: Play a live recording so that you receive applause at the end…

 

From @CapnAllegra

I Want You – Elvis Costello

Comment: Well. Listen to these lyrics. It doesn’t get more plainly stated that this:

 

From @HeyHomee

Jodeci – Feenin’

Comment: Yup. This right here.

Other suggestions: Barry White – Never Gonna Give You Up. H-Town -Knockin Boots. Tevin Campbell – Tell me what you want me to do… then the next day, he added Twenty Four Play by Janet.

Sidebar: if you ever wondered what Jim Carrey might’ve looked like performing this song at karaoke… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRXhT8BsKYM

 

From @deejaymidz

Fuck All Night – Jay-Z

Comment: Sigh. DJs. But the line “emergency dick in a glass” always cracks me up. *Hov laugh*

 

Honorable mention from @BeeSince83

Robin Thicke – All Tied Up

She didn’t suggest it outright, but she did mention it…

Comment: Robin, honey? I don’t get why the stylist put you in that George Michael circa Faith leather jacket, but you get a pass this time because I do love your voice.

Today  on the East Coast, the temps are set to reach a high of 32 degrees (or 90 for you Yankees). A night of hot. Steamy. Sex… and this is your soundtrack.

It’s Friday the 13th. Get lucky.

xoxo/hlbb

The Comfort Zone…

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This post is for my darling boys that are in long-term relationships (at least a year or more).

Mama HLBB asked me an interesting question the other day…she asked if I ever thought about an Ex and what life would’ve been like if I had…married him.

(Yes, Mama HLBB is holding out for the day I walk down the aisle…excuse me while I have a giggle fit about that)

Now, Mama HLBB thought THIS was the guy I was going to marry (giggle). I said, “no, but if I did, I would probably be in the suburbs, on kid number two, no dog, not have met (insert name of male best friend), and bored out of my fucking skull…”

(Yes, I swear in front of my mother. Get over it.)

After a pause, Mama HLBB said “oh yes…that wouldn’t have been good at all. But you two were so comfortable with each other.”

There’s that word. Comfortable. Gah. Part of the comfort stemmed from the fact that we were friends for many years before dating. But the comfort factor was one of the reasons we (I) broke up. Comfort kills relationships. I can recite, from memory, what we did every week…right down to the sex.

I went out of my mind with boredom.

I want you to think about it for second. When is the last time you surprised her?

If you’re in the type of relationship that has a set “date night”, a “go-to” present for birthdays/anniversaries, a “go to” spot for dinner”, and holy heaven forbid, a “go to” move that gets her off in so quickly that you can have sex during halftime, take your hand and smack yourself upside the head. If your girlfriend/wife/whatever has accepted this behaviour, tell her I said to smack herself upside the head.

Shame on both of you!

However, if your girlfriend/wife/whatever has ever hinted at wanting to try “something new”, “go somewhere different”, or stated that you two should “try (insert random activity here)”, it’s because she’s bored out of her fucking mind.

When I was with the aforementioned Ex, I had coworker who was approaching 60 (and this was over 10 years ago). Married, kids in college, well off, and the very image of an active (soon to be) senior; she and her husband could’ve been the couple in those Freedom 55 ads. Her husband was a buyer of some kind and his job required regular travel; she always went with him. Not to “keep an eye” or anything like that, but because she got to travel the world with her best friend for free.

One day, she was telling us about her latest trip, somewhere in Asia. The highlight of her trip was the strip club she and her husband went to…all the girls there were imported from elsewhere; it was so “exotic”.

Yeah, you read that correctly. The Freedom 55 couple liked to get freaky.

When we collectively picked our jaws up off the ground, my coworker let out a hearty (and naughty) laugh and said to the ladies “it’s one of the best things you can do for your sex life. He gets so hot and bothered, he’ll practically drag you out of the club…”

*thud* (those were our jaws dropping again)

I remember one other coworker asked her how her husband convinced her to go to the club. She said there was no convincing needed. He had previously mentioned that many of his hosts would make this part of the entertainment when he was in town. When he realized her curiosity was peaked, he asked her if SHE would like to buy HIM a lap dance sometime…

She bought them on every trip after that.

Her advice? “Never let yourself get comfortable…”

He never saw her apply makeup. She never saw him take a dump. She had her own set of friends to indulge in pastimes he had no interest in (mostly shopping). He still asked her out of dates. After 20+ years, 2 kids, and many trips to the strip club (where he would buy her lap dances), they were still looking for things to discover and learn about each other. They built on what they already knew, and even though she called him her best friend, they could still create that spark…

Looks fade. The mystery can go away sometimes. But surprise yourself and her by keeping her on her toes. Instead that “go to”, go left. Go right. Go anywhere else but there. Save the sex for after the game (consolation/victory sex anyone?).

Start small. Think of something that you can do this week that will surprise her. BUT, tell her you’re going to surprise her (a sudden change in behaviour can be misinterpreted as signs of cheating)…and then really do it. Surprise her.

You might be surprised with the results.

xoxo, hlbb

*GUYS: feedback please. What should SHE stop doing to keep you out of the comfort zone…? This is what the comments section is for. 

**No. This does not mean you should ask your girlfriend/wife/whatever to buy you a lap dance…

Sex Al Fresco…

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Al fresco is an Italian phrase that typically refers to activities done outdoors, like dining, or painting…

Yeah well, I’m going to talk about sex.

One night I was out walking and I wondered, “how many people have had sex in this particular area? Or this one? Hmmm…” The rest of my walk was then spent figuring out the logistics of sex al fresco, which lead me to a bit of research. Now that summer is really about to start, I thought I’d give you a few tips:

Dress Code:

Yes, sex al fresco is normally a spontaneous thing, but if you are planning it, you want to make sure that both of you have clothing that can be easily adjusted, pulled off, up, etc. For the ladies, this includes dresses and skirts of just about any length. They just can’t be too tight (this is what complicates things if you get caught). Guys, linen pants or dress pants are your friends…do NOT wear button fly jeans or wear skinny jeans. Don’t believe me? Try getting those things on and off in 10 seconds…

(and if you are a man and you own a pair of skinny jeans, I’m giving you a severe side eye right now…)

Panties? The beauty of dresses and skirts are that panties become optional. I would recommend that she wears them at the beginning of the evening, but once they come off, they stay off.

Environmental Hazards

The only thing worse than carpet burns are splinters in your ass (so I’ve been told), so if you’re planning on having outdoor sex, bring a blanket or something to put on that bench.

As for sex on a beach, that’s best left as a cocktail, because if there is anything worse than a splinter up the ass, it’s sand up a woman’s coochie (so I’ve been told).

Humidity is not your friend and even though the idea of hot hazy sex sounds great, I’ve got one word for you: mosquitoes. The only thing worse than…okay, I think you’re getting the point. But a little rain can be beneficial, you get wet without having submerged sex, which is a no (more on that later) and rain chases people inside.

Real Estate

Location, location, location…

Outdoor sex requires a great location. One that’s secluded, but not so secluded that it still feels like you’re inside. One that’s accessible, but it can’t be too accessible, because then everyone will be there. It can’t be too lit, because then people will see you; but it can’t be too dark, otherwise you’ll be fumbling all over the place. Now, you can cheat a little on location, and have sex in or on car or on a balcony or patio. But we’re talking outdoors here, not outside with doors.

Alleyways

Pros: secluded, lit, but not too well lit.

Cons: have you ever SMELLED an alleyway? Nope. Not having it.

Parks

Pros: the popular choice, since it has a variety of surfaces, hiding spots, etc. If it’s the kind that has a playground? Voila! Instant sex swing!

Cons: they’re popular…chances are someone has beat you to it. Speaking of popularity, they’re also a popular choice for addicts and for those with no place to sleep. Oh yeah, raccoons also like to have sex outdoors…and you know how territorial those feral little fuckers can be.

Pools, jacuzzis, and open bodies of water

Pros: It’s oh so sexy…everyone does it in the movies.

Cons: Movies lie. Water washes away a woman’s natural lubrication. Condoms fall off or the chlorine will degrade them. You also better be good swimmers (I’m not talking about sperm here) or this becomes a not so safe option.

Camping

Pros: you can provide your own seclusion, or not and all you creature comforts are at the ready. Ooooh…sex by a fire.

Cons: while raccoons are feral, bears can kill. If there are any accidents causing injury, you’re not that close to a hospital. Ever burned your hand while making s’mores? Well…ouch.

Oh, and before one of you writes me and says “what about the club?” I say three things…

1) ick

2) read the first sentence of this post again, I said “OUTDOORS”

3) unless your name is Usher, GTFOHWTBS and that tired ass line

Timing is important

Some of you brave souls will have sex at high noon… but for those trying to avoid tickets for public indecency or looks of condemnation from passersby, you will want to have sex in the wee hours. So, depending on how high you want the risk factor to be (and admit it, having sex outdoors adds that little bit of thrill doesn’t it?), make note of the following times:

10 p.m. – 12 a.m.

There is still too much traffic for areas such as parks and alleyways. If you’re out camping, people may still be up at neighbouring sites, but who cares? At that point they’ve been drinking all damn day and wouldn’t notice.

12 a.m. – 2 a.m.

Cops are on high alert as bars and clubs are beginning to let out, you definitely run the risk of getting caught.

2 a.m. – 3 a.m.

3 a.m. girls… ‘nuff said.

So when is the ideal time? That would be between 3:30 and 7 a.m. Those who are out for the night are home (or are already having sex in the park). The street sweepers are done, restaurants are closed and the cops are busy writing up reports for the people they arrested between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. Even if they didn’t arrest anyone, they’re at the station, writing up shift reports before they go off duty at 7 a.m. Oh, and a cop once told me the worst time to actually try sex al fresco is during a long weekend…more people means more cops and increases your chances of getting caught.

Take a nap this afternoon. Google map the nearest parks and note if the gates close at a certain hour. Make sure your girl is wearing dress tonight. Wear boxes or boxer briefs (tighty whities are not an option and if you own them, know I’m giving you another side eye right now). Pack a blanket. Pack protection in the form of bug spray, bear repellent and condoms. Hope for a little rain (unless you’re with a Black woman, then pray for it to not even be foggy out) and enjoy your (post) midnight marauding…

(Oh yeah, try not to wake the neighbourhood…)

P.S. if you want to know if folks are in favour of sex al fresco…I took a poll a little while ago. Check the results for yourself…