Hello darlings, Quick note: yes. I’ve been really awful about posting. Shit goes sideways sometimes…more on that later. But, I’ve also been absent because I’ve been scheming. Planning. Plotting. All for you… How many times have I criticized you guys … Continue reading
An offer for my darling boys and girls… Online. Dating. These two words strike fear in my heart the way “we need to talk” strikes fear in the hearts of men. I once heard dates described as a job interview … Continue reading
Conversation with a man this morning:
Me: “did you buy (insert wife’s name here) stuff for Valentines…?”
Him: “nah, not yet. I gotta hit Shoppers at lunch and grab a card and some chocolate…”
Me: “(blank stare) NO. YOU WILL NOT GO TO SHOPPERS FOR A PRESENT FOR YOUR WIFE AND THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!”
So, I’m just gonna knock this post out real quick to prevent any other man to going to Shoppers to grab a Valentine’s Day present.
(for the Americans reading this: Shoppers = Duane Reade, it’s a chain of drugstores)
First. Let me explain something: I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day. If I want romance I want it because it’s Tuesday, or Thursday…hell even Sunday afternoon. I do not want it once a year because Hallmark told you to.
But for every non-believer, there are at least 5 others who believe. If you don’t know where the woman in your life stands on this issue, today is too late to find out; you’re going have to guess and hope you guess well. But, as I said, I will try to help. I’ll break down the general categories of women and give you my view on how to approach the situation.
(insert judgmental look and dramatic sigh here) If you have a side (tossed) salad along with your main “love”, you can at least acknowledge what she does for you in some little way. You know she’s sitting at home wasting her time on your cheating ass, so call (from your disposable or work phone), send and e-greeting(from your alternate email account) or toss a bouquet of (grocery store) roses at her door and run home to wifey.
Friend With Benefits (FWB)…
If the arrangement is on the up and up, chances are you don’t need to do a thing. Because you’ve been honest about your feelings, the situation and both of you know that today is a day for lovers, not buddies. Good for you. If you’re in the grey area and aren’t sure if feelings have been caught, err on the side of caution and at least send a text or something. Joke about coming over for a little V-Day of a different kind (ahem, as in vagina). Oh, and make sure she doesn’t have alternate plans. Yes. You’re not exclusive remember? What, you expected her to be sitting with phone in hand like a sidepiece?
Oh, have you caught feelings? Some might recommend that today is the day you declare them.
STOP. I repeat… STOP.
To do it today can be misinterpreted as “shit. I’m feeling left out. Meh. We already have sex…why not?”
If you like her and want to take it to the next level, tell her on the weekend. Do not tell her on a day that makes you seem desperate for a relationship and that you’re willing to “settle”.
The Girl You’re Dating…
She’s not your girlfriend, but she might as well be, right? You share activities, sex, intimacy and hell, you’ve met each other’s best friends. Today is a day where you can definitely try the grand gesture. You can say something like, “it looks like we’re headed in that direction…I thought maybe we could take it to the next level? If neither of us are seeing anyone else at this point…?”
Blah blah blah…you think you’re in love…blah blah blah…become very important to me. Whatever you say, just make sure it’s from the heart and honest. If she’s at that point, she’ll be ready to jump in with both feet. Add the candlelit dinner decorated with her favourite flowers? This is the story she’ll be telling everyone the next day. Go big though. I once was watching a TV show with a guy I was dating and there was a romantic declaration scene in a room filled with candles. I swooned and then said, “pffft, this kind of shit only ever happens on TV…”
A few days later, I walked into a candle lit room. He said, “I wanted to show you that this shit doesn’t just have to happen on TV…”
(p.s. a $3 pack of IKEA candles, see how easy it is?)
Your Girlfriend (live in or out)…
Honey, if you haven’t prepared something by now? Get thee to a chocolatier, a cupcake shop, or a spa for a gift certificate. But get there STAT. All of these places are equipped to handle last-minute requests. Florists are a bit trickier; sure they order extra today, but really? Do you realize how many of you are running out on your lunch breaks right now to have a bouquet thrown together?
TIP: A single lily or some tulips or daisies can show that you were thinking outside the box and score your some points. Just don’t get carnations. Gah.
Presents. I haven’t mentioned presents yet. I will now. Presents are for girlfriends and wives. Dinners…gift certificates…those are all nice. But when I say presents, I mean tangible, something that will last more than a week. You don’t have to go to Tiffany’s (although…just sayin’), but maybe something that points towards a future together, or that you see yourself lasting beyond the end of the week…
Fuck it. It’s already lunchtime on Valentine’s Day. Tiffany & Co. it is. Or any store that sells pretty necklaces.
Your Wife and/or the Mother of Your Children…
If I find out that ANY of you went to Shoppers (Duane Reade) I’mma have you hunted down and beaten with wet sponges.
Valentine’s day is for HER (y’all get this day) Take her to her favourite restaurant (or cook), make sure the kids are tucked in or with a sitter or with your parents. Go to the movie she wants to see (you can go see shit get blown up on the weekend); dress the way that she likes you to dress. Go all out. Ever wonder how Cliff and Claire Huxtable had 5 children? Because he did shit like this!
Oh. And there better be presents for her!
Step 1: buy a piece of jewelry
Step 2: go to Godvia and pick out three truffles
Step 3: have them place the piece of jewelry in the box of truffles and seal the box
Watch her face go from “oh, just chocolate…? To “OMIGOD” in 30 seconds.
Music. So many of you forget music to set the mood. Download asap
DJ Kariz’s FIRST CRUSH VOLUME 2
DJ Starting From Scratch’s AMNESIA VALENTINES SLOW JAM MIX BY DJ STARTING FROM SCRATCH
Okay. That’s it. Good luck.
I had a few… interesting encounters with members of the opposite sex this past weekend. As I’m highly critical (pretend to be surprised by that, okay?), my responses to these encounters inspired me to rant. However, when relaying the details of these encounters to men, the responses were universal. Something along the lines of “you should feel complimented by that…”. From the women I told the stories to, their responses were also universal – and the exact opposite of the responses I received on the male side.
Basically, guys think they’re doing something positive, and girls think these guys are doing something negative. But the women are my friends; we tend to think alike. So the question remains: would these guys be successful with any woman?
Instead of me ranting about how I think these men failed, I thought I would put together seven scenarios for other women to comment on.
Ladies, I’m asking you to read these scenarios (not all mine, by the way) and show in the comments which one of these seven guys would get your number…
Scenario one: Girl is walking down the street on a Friday night, alone (it’s about 2:30 in the morning). Guy spots girl and, to get her attention, steps in front of her, grabs her wrist to pull her closer and says “beautiful, lemme holla at you for a minute…” The girl rejects the advance rudely, citing the hour and the approach. The guy responds, “fuck you, you stingy bitch!”
Scenario two: Girl is sitting with friends in a bar listening to a band. Guy approaches her and says, “everyone is telling me I have to meet you…and you’ll want to know me, because I’m a nice guy…” Girl says, “no, no one has told you that because I have no idea who you are…” Guy then responds, “well, I think we should hook up anyways…”
Scenario three: Girl is walking through a crowded nightclub to get from the bathroom back to her friends. There is a guy in her way but he hasn’t seen her yet. When his friend indicates he has to move, the guy turns to the girl, apologizes, and jokes that he is the official greeter for the party. He then asks if she is having a good time and tries to get her to stay and talk with him. She refuses the advances, but the friend steps in, joking that the guy is famous (not true). Girl calls bluff. The guys then continue to joke with her to get her to stay.
Scenario four: Girl is grocery shopping in a farmer’s market and is picking out fresh produce. Guy approaches her and says “so what are you making me for dinner tonight?”
Scenario five: Girl is walking up stairs wearing a low-cut top. Guy at top of stairs sees girl (and her “girls”) and while looking openly at her breasts says, “you’re beautiful”. She rejects the advance. She doesn’t stick around to hear what his response is.
Scenario six: Guy sees girl walking down the street one Thursday evening. She passes him. He runs to catch up with her, drops to one knee and proposes. She says no. He then asks for her phone number instead.
Scenario seven: Guy sees girl on Facebook via another friend’s account. He messages her by saying, “hi, what are you saying later?” (she’s never met him before).
(bonus points if you can figure out which ones happened to me…)
UPDATE: I’ve been asked, so for the record, each of the men in the scenarios I experienced were good-looking. For the scenarios that didn’t happen to me, the guys were attractive/hot/good-looking. But as soon as they opened their mouths, they got ugly.
And I have two more! These two scenarios happened to me on the same night. One good. One bad.
Scenario 8: I’m leaving a party, tired (exhausted really) and as I head out the door, the DJ puts on Step in the Name of Love by R. Kelly; a song that almost demands that you have a partner to dance to it. As I walk through the crowd, a guy sticks his hand out and says, “now, here’s a beautiful woman I can dance with! C’mon girl, let’s do this!” and starts to step. I oblige by stepping a bit to the left and right, but really darlings, I was dead on my feet. As I pull away, he says “aw c’mon now, at least stay to the end of the song!” I explain I’m leaving and he says “okay. Get home safe and I’mma catch you next dance…(big smile)” Had I not been so tired. I would’ve stayed until at least the end of the song.
Scenario 9: As I leave said party and make two quick stops, I pass a guy on the street. He says “hi…” and I say “hi” back; but continue walking. From behind me, I hear “so, are you heading home?” I turn and it turns out he’s turned around to catch up to me (at little creepy since I’m walking by myself…). I explain that yes, I’m done for the night and I’m heading home. Now this guy was pretty hot. Until he said, “so are you going home to someone?”
Me:”that’s pretty forward…?”
Him: “I’m just trying to find out if you live alone. Do you?”
Me: “Okay, that’s really inappropriate to ask at this hour. I know where you’re headed with this, and I’m not answering that.”
Him: “You have a great smile, I was just curious.”
Me: “I haven’t smiled?” (I rarely smile with strangers…at most you’ll get a head nod…no matter how cute you are) .
Him: “yeah you did. So c’mon. I’m curious. Do you live alone?”
Me: “you do realize you’re asking me personal questions and you haven’t even asked me my name?”
He then got a fake name. I got the urge to get business cards that simply say “you need my help” with the HLBB URL on them. He then asked if I smoked weed (SMH, no), what my ethnicity was (“I’m from Toronto”), and if I’m interested in hanging out tonight.