Category Archives: dealbreakers

How To Get Out of Valentine’s Day….

Posted on by

4

You’re in luck gentlemen! Because I have dated the experts on this subject.

This is the scenario: you don’t want to be bothered with the day, but your girlfriend is all about it. While you don’t want to break up, you want to come justcloseenough to effectively sidestep the day and still keep your girl.

I’d say grab a pen, but it’s 2013…get ready to cut and paste.

Step 1: Sex…

You’ll have to have amazing, mind-blowing-spend-twice-the-amount-of time-giving-her-head type sex. This weekend. Yes. The sex has to be so good that she’ll factor it into her decision when she’s trying to figure out whether to dump your ass for fucking up next week.

Also, it’s insurance…if this doesn’t go as planned, you may not get break up sex. Make it good. Make it stick(y). Make it count.

Step 2: Have life run interference…

Option 1: Work
If you have a 9-5, go to your boss and find out if there is any work that you can take on; preferably the kind that keeps you at the office until about 7:30/8 p.m. Timing is key. You’re stuck at the office long enough to miss out on dinner reservations and get home late-ish, but not so late that it arouses suspicion.

“Baby, this meeting is going to run until about 7 or so…” sounds much more plausible than “I’m pulling an all nighter”. The former sounds like work life…the latter sounds like your name is Fitzgerald Grant III.

If you work swing shifts, get your shift switched on Monday. You may have to pay off a co-worker to ensure their silence, but this will be cheaper than a gift/dinner/outfit. Do NOT do it until Monday at the earliest or Tuesday at the latest. Any earlier and you’ll arouse suspicion for shit you’re not doing (i.e. cheating).

Reasons for the shift: depends on your industry, but there is a major flu going around…a coworker may have to call in sick.

Option 2: Fuck up your mode of transportation.
Have a car? Rip out the spark plug or smash in a light. Take the bus? “lose” your bus pass. The extra costs incurred will help you get out of buying a present. She’ll understand…you can make it up to her.

Option 3: Play some sport this weekend, get a soft tissue injury.
Once, when it was raining, I ran into my place of work in high heeled boots and slid across the lobby floor like it was made of ice. I slammed my foot into the edge of a door. I then rushed off to my training seminar.

4.5 hours later while I sat in a ER, the doctor on call had taken x-rays twice. He was trying to figure out how my foot, which was turning shades of purple, was not broken or fractured. He called in another doctor.

“Somehow, you have managed to damage ALL the soft tissue in your foot, but not break anything…?”

I could still walk (well, limp) and had to wear sneakers. But that was about it. Sucks. No dancing. No heels. Limited time on my feet. Bummer.

Option 4: give your computer a “benign” virus…
Holy shit! The apple genius says it’s going to take x amount of hours and x amount of dollars to fix. Like your car, your bus pass, et cetera, an “unexpected” cost can be forgiven…

Step 3: Do NOT talk about Valentine’s Day…
Remember the rules of Fight Club? Good. If you talk about it, SHE will think about it. If she’s thinking about it more than she already is, then YOU will arouse suspicion if you choose any of the above options. Get caught up in “work drama” (no details, just “drama”)… have your boys call you about a pick up game of ball (hardwood is conducive to soft tissue injuries. So is ice hockey)…talk about your car making a funny noise…if you’re always on point about your stuff, start losing track of shit.

DO. NOT. SUGGEST. “SKIPPING”. IT.

Is Valentine’s Day a crass commercial made-up holiday designed to sucker in people into thinking that true romance needs a special day? Special should be whenever the moment calls for it! Not forced. Not imposed. Not directed! What if you don’t even like pink or red?

Not being sarcastic. I really feel that way about V-Day.

Does SHE really feel that way? Not sure? No? Then, I repeat: Do. Not. Suggest. Skipping. It.

Step 3: Pick a fight…
Now, steps 1 and 2 may lead to a fight depending on your delivery. But in case they don’t, you’ll need to pick a fight.

THIS is tricky and I only advise that you do it if you are an excellent poker player. You need to be able to have the face for this. You have to be like John.

Think. What do you do regularly that annoys her? Think…you know she’s cussed your for it. Think back to those times when you’ve turned her voice into one that sounds like an adult in Charlie Brown’s world…Think.

Got it?

Okay. Now do it. Then, when she gets pissed off, do something else. THEN, when she’s really pissed ask, “what’s the big deal?” or something else that will trigger her. Laugh it off. Call it “silly”.

THEN. When she is really pissed and is yelling. Offer to take her out to make it up for her. But offer something that she hates. I had one ex do a thing that annoyed me. Then something else. Then he offered to take me out to a lovely spot in Yorkville and treat me to shrimp cocktails.

I’m deathly allergic to seafood. It really pissed me that he always forgot. I didn’t speak to him for a few days. (sidebar: my BFF of 26 years forgets all the time as well, so technically, I’m used to people forgetting what kills me)

Step 4: Go Dark
WARNING: THIS IS HIGH LEVEL…you ONLY do this if you live together, have children, are married, or have something else that would make extracting herself from your relationship difficult. If you’re just dating or in a relationship without cohabitation, you run an approximately 90% chance of getting your ass dumped.

Going dark, is the most passive aggressive move you can do as a human being. To be unresponsive, to keep her out of your head? To not share? Not even to say “I’m trying to figure stuff out and need some quiet time to do so”? YOU are an asshole. This is the ultimate asshole move. You can only get away with it ONCE, and only if it’s cheaper to keep you…

Or, if she’s really into Valentine’s Day, you could suck it up and do something that’s actually nice and romantic, rather than try to weasel your way out of it.

That’s always an option.

The Three Times You are NOT Entitled to P*ssy…

Posted on by

14

20121226-231151.jpg

Darlings… In your pursuit of pussy, some of you have developed the misguided notion that, there are certain scenarios that you will find yourself in, and that this means you are entitled to receive pussy. But unfortunately… You’re not. Actually, … Continue reading →

The 12 Women You Meet in Life: The Un-BabyMama

Posted on by

5

You see the girl at a family event or at a friend’s party. Pretty, beautiful even. She saunters by with an air of grace, sexiness even. Over by the kid’s table, a few nieces and nephews greet her enthusiastically. She’s down on the floor playing with them, reading stories, conducting puppet shows, and all without spilling a drop of her cocktail.

You lean over to your boy and ask which kid is hers.

Her? She doesn’t have any kids. But she’s great with them isn’t she?

So you make your approach. Because THIS may be the future Mrs. and Mother of Your Children. Ms. Beautiful consents to an exchange of numbers, and eventually you go on a first date.

Sidebar: NOT A HANGOUT, a DATE.

One date leads to another, a couple more. Your conversations get deeper. Somehow, the topic of kids comes up and she says…

“Nope. Don’t want ‘em. Ever. No thanks.”

“Oh. You mean you can’t have kids?”

“No. I mean I don’t want them. I like my life. I’ve worked to hard on my career/body/first novel/artistic equivalent to the Sistine Chapel to ever want one. Why, do you?”

There you sit. Stunned, because you are talking to one of the 12 Women You’ll Meet in Life:

The Un-BabyMama.

That’s my martini glass and my cocktail napkin…

A woman who doesn’t want kids. Doesn’t want and can’t have are two very different things. She – as far as she knows – is fully capable of having a baby and bringing it to term.

She just doesn’t want to. She doesn’t hate kids…er, maybe she does. But she definitely doesn’t want them. Not have, not step-parent, not adopt. None.

…………………………………..

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute. Because we have been told our whole lives that every woman wants a baby. Relationships have ended because of “baby fever”. Movies, books, and thousands upon thousands of blogs and articles have been written about a woman’s biological clock. Y’know the one…it kicks in at about 30 and goes into hyperdrive at about 40?

Pffft. HLBB don’t try with the bullshit EVERY chick wants to have a baby.

No. They don’t.

Where do you meet them?

The Un-BabyMamas are hard to find, because if they speak up, they WILL be ostracized. I know. For many years, I was the Un-BabyMama of my group. There was no secret wish to have a child…no “special names” picked out and stored in a diary somewhere. My uterus did not swell when I smelled the top of a baby’s head (still doesn’t, by the way). I was not putting on a front. Every time I declared that I didn’t want kids, I would get a look that fell somewhere between disgust and wonderment. they haven’t invented a side-eye .gif for the look Un-BabyMamas get…

How could you not want to do the single most powerful thing as a woman you could do? Don’t you know how many women out there would LOVE to have a child and CAN’T? Yet, here you sit, saying that you won’t? That’s just…selfish.

This and variations of it are some of the things said to Un-BabyMamas who say that they don’t want kids. They are told they are less of a woman because they choose not to have kids. They are accused of being lesbians (even though lesbians have babies…I know a couple who are taking turns being the pregnant wife). They are told they are taking pro-choice too far. Because they choose not to have a baby. You see pro-choice (as in choosing to have an abortion) is okay, as long as you plan to do make up for it in the future by having one to even out your karmic balance. Or something like that.

Un-BabyMamas have told me that they do not want to have a child because they see no benefit in bringing one into the world…or more specifically, THEIR world. Their world is – despite what people think – full of love, accomplishments, and achievements. They do not see a child as a be all and end all to their existence…their life would still be complete. They have found their purpose in life / work and devote considerable time to it… time that would otherwise be compromised if they had child. The thought of child does not outweigh what they have now.

What’s this about their body? They can work out. What’s a few pounds?

It’s not just the weight. Women go up a shoe size while pregnant. If she has a Carrie Bradshaw sized collection, you’re looking at thousands of dollars gone. If she’s had a C-section, she has had a major surgical procedure, with permanent scarring. High blood pressure, risks of strokes, allergic reactions to an epidural, alopecia (i.e. going completely bald)…all of these things have happened to women when they’ve had a baby. That’s just the scary shit. Every woman I know who has had a child can tell you the body changes. The hair, the skin, the breasts, and yes, even the vagina changes permanently.

I ask you. Does your penis change after you’ve had a baby?

That’s just pregnancy. Then there’s the whole raising the child part…

But it’s not like she’s raising the kid on her own.

Maybe not. It takes a village…blah blah. Husband…co-parenting…blah blah. However, the expectation of responsibility falls on the mother. Mothers are expected to be there in the middle of the night to chase away boogeymen and bring glasses of water. Mothers can see the cuts and scrapes invisible to the mortal eye. The way a mother cooks a favourite dish is remembered by many. That’s (at least) 18 years of expectation. 18 years is long time to defer a career, or a dream. As much as a man will be there for their child, whether in the home or out of it, the expectation is not theirs.

If a man abandons his fatherly duties, he’s a bastard. A deadbeat. An asshole. If a woman abandons her motherly duties…she’s a monster.

This is how we were conditioned. This is how we were all raised. For a woman to “have it all”, the “all” includes a baby. The “have it all” package for men has baby as an option. No one has asked “what’s wrong with George Clooney?” because he’s fatherless at 50. But Oprah? How many of you wondered it. How many of you thought that all her dogs were substitutes for babies…?

Mmmhmmm.

So this woman you meet…she is everything you could want in a woman. Except she came without a biological clock. Now, you’re looking at her differently. I asked on Twitter the other day if, as a guy would you continue to be with an Un-BabyMama and many guys were honest (they said no). But how many of these guys know that they want kids? One guy I know wasn’t sure he wanted kids. But, as soon as the Un-BabyMama declared her choice, he broke up with her. Because one day, he may be ready.

Does an Un-BabyMama change her mind?

At the beginning of this post, I said I was a former Un-BabyMama. I now sit firmly on the fence. I have no idea. There is no urge to have a child. If I ended up pregnant, I would not have an abortion, this I know. I am grossly insulted when someone says I’d make “a great mom”. Based on what? Because I have a uterus? Because I can play with a baby? When a friend announces she is pregnant I am truly happy for them…not jealous…not repulsed…happy. Because like a dream job, or completed novel/50k marathon/Sistine Chapel, they have gotten something that they truly want.

So I’m going to ask again: would you want a woman who wanted to be childless?

p.s. how unbaby am I? I had to create the category “baby” for this post…

 

Update: I had to add this link: http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/post/30954380075/when-i-tell-my-friend-im-not-sure-if-i-want-to-have

Are You “Single”?

Posted on by

2

Are you “single”?

Define it.

Semantics: the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. There are a number of branches and subbranches of semantics, including conceptual semantics, which studies the cognitive structure of meaning.

In other words, you say you’re “single…” and she says “my boyfriend…”

A while back I met a guy who described himself as single because that’s what he has to declare on his taxes…never mind the girlfriend of 3 years. He did say he didn’t cheat, or even wanted to; he simply was, based on the definition of the word “single”.

I met a girl who described to a group of us her “boyfriend”, and how he broke up with her after 3 months of dating because “he wasn’t ready to have a girlfriend”. Never mind that he hadn’t slept at home in 2.5 months and had two (2!) hockey equipment bags’ worth of stuff to move out when they broke up.

But this one? This is my favourite:

(p.s. follow Cheekie, she’s hilarious)

Really? He says he bought a ring. SHE says they’re engaged?

How are we as adults, speaking the same language (I assume), not understanding each other?

Instead of defining words, let’s define expectations, shall we? What are you expecting from the woman in your life/sights/bed right now? Are you looking for someone to bring to Sunday’s BBQ? Are you looking for her to be gone by Sunday morning? Are you looking for someone you can confide in, or is she someone you keep hidden? Are you making you expectations clear in both WORD and ACTION and, is she doing the same?

If you are having an arrangement but acting like a boyfriend, you’re sending mixed signals.

But how, HLBB? If I’m telling her that I’m not ready for a girlfriend, why isn’t she listening?

Because darling boy, actions speak louder.

You’re not ready for a girlfriend, but she’s met a family member, and your boys…on purpose, not just because you bumped into them on the street. You’ve gone away for a weekend (or suggested it). One of you has taken care of the other when you’re sick. One of you is at the other’s place most nights of the week. You know her birthday, or there was an exchange of presents for some sort of holiday…

Shall I continue? Get it? You’re acting like a boyfriend.

(Pssst…let’s pretend that there are no women listening in on our convo, okay?)

Look, I know what the “I’m not ready for a girlfriend” statement really is. It’s an out. Don’t get me wrong. You’re not lying…you really aren’t ready.

FOR HER.

Because if the woman of your dreams came along at this moment, and declared her undying love for you. If a Meagan Good – level beauty said she’d remove the chastity belt – for YOU – as long as there was a ring, your ass would be at Tiffany & Co. (or People’s) faster than you can say, “I do.”

But you’re not ready to give up what might be for what is right in front of you. She’s at about 70%…you’re looking to keep it 100. Makes sense.

But then, when you say those (other) three little words…“I’m not ready”, you end up giving out hope like Obama did in 2008, because all she is thinking is what will it take, what can SHE do to make you “ready”. When the reality is, unless she morphs into your dream girl, she will NEVER make you ready. Am I right?

Yeah. Let’s try a little less hope and a little more honesty.

But…

I know. The gates to coochieville will close if you tell her that some day you won’t be together. I know. I get it. But that’s the trade you have to make it life. It’s kind of a package deal, since her coochie is attached to the rest of her. If she’s ready and you’re not, you have to say “we have to end this because I’m not ready.” Yes, you can end the statement with “I’m not ready” as this will drive the point home. Then you have to stick to it. Back up your words with your actions.

If she wants a boyfriend, HER actions will also make it clear. If you say “I’m not ready…” and she says with a shrug “cool”… then trust that she is beginning to figure out what will make you “ready”. She’s cooking you meals, sharing her life, sharing her bed, even sharing her dreams, she’s doing it to get you ready; that by opening up, you’ll see all of her and want to be ready.

Meanwhile, you’re enjoying this friendship with all sorts of benefits: sex, food, clean laundry, a place to crash…all while holding the “get of this quasi relationship free” card with those three little words. One day, as it comes to an end and she angrily/sarcastically/tearfully says “why did I waste my time with you?”, you’ll be able to say:

“But I TOLD you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”

Don’t do it. I know you’re going to do it because you know no other way. Just know that you’re creating angry bitter women (coughLaurynHillcough) with this tactic. When you meet an angry bitter woman pushing for a relationship because the last guy “lied” or “screwed her over” , I will bet you that there is a 50% chance that this guy said “But I told you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”.

You’re creating the monster you’re so scared of.

Sidebar: Ladies, I’m sick of it. Really. When a man starts a sentence with “I’m not ready…” and it doesn’t end with something like “…to cum” Leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect anything. Just leave. He’s not ready for you and until he is, you’re really wasting your time.

As for miss thing with the ring? If he didn’t get down on one knee, or look you in the eye, or for fuck’s sake ASK YOU OUTRIGHT. Then you didn’t get engaged. He just went to Jared’s!

Now, if you say “I’m not ready…” and she says, “neither am I… that’s cool. Are you staying over? Because I got to get up early in the morning…” She’s not trying to have you, and she’s not trying to get caught up.

Yup. You have to stop being lazy (and horny) and hold out for the woman is – get this – NOT READY.

They exist.

You meet a Free Agent and you can enjoy all the sex, food, and comfort you could ask for, until that day comes when one of you is ready to move on.

Oh, and don’t come crying to me when she says to you “Listen…I’m just not ready…”

Now. All the REALLY Single Ladies, put your hands up. Let’s debate this at Come and Talk to Me II (June 27 2012)