You’re in luck gentlemen! Because I have dated the experts on this subject.

This is the scenario: you don’t want to be bothered with the day, but your girlfriend is all about it. While you don’t want to break up, you want to come justcloseenough to effectively sidestep the day and still keep your girl.

I’d say grab a pen, but it’s 2013…get ready to cut and paste.

Step 1: Sex…

You’ll have to have amazing, mind-blowing-spend-twice-the-amount-of time-giving-her-head type sex. This weekend. Yes. The sex has to be so good that she’ll factor it into her decision when she’s trying to figure out whether to dump your ass for fucking up next week.

Also, it’s insurance…if this doesn’t go as planned, you may not get break up sex. Make it good. Make it stick(y). Make it count.

Step 2: Have life run interference…

Option 1: Work
If you have a 9-5, go to your boss and find out if there is any work that you can take on; preferably the kind that keeps you at the office until about 7:30/8 p.m. Timing is key. You’re stuck at the office long enough to miss out on dinner reservations and get home late-ish, but not so late that it arouses suspicion.

“Baby, this meeting is going to run until about 7 or so…” sounds much more plausible than “I’m pulling an all nighter”. The former sounds like work life…the latter sounds like your name is Fitzgerald Grant III.

If you work swing shifts, get your shift switched on Monday. You may have to pay off a co-worker to ensure their silence, but this will be cheaper than a gift/dinner/outfit. Do NOT do it until Monday at the earliest or Tuesday at the latest. Any earlier and you’ll arouse suspicion for shit you’re not doing (i.e. cheating).

Reasons for the shift: depends on your industry, but there is a major flu going around…a coworker may have to call in sick.

Option 2: Fuck up your mode of transportation.
Have a car? Rip out the spark plug or smash in a light. Take the bus? “lose” your bus pass. The extra costs incurred will help you get out of buying a present. She’ll understand…you can make it up to her.

Option 3: Play some sport this weekend, get a soft tissue injury.
Once, when it was raining, I ran into my place of work in high heeled boots and slid across the lobby floor like it was made of ice. I slammed my foot into the edge of a door. I then rushed off to my training seminar.

4.5 hours later while I sat in a ER, the doctor on call had taken x-rays twice. He was trying to figure out how my foot, which was turning shades of purple, was not broken or fractured. He called in another doctor.

“Somehow, you have managed to damage ALL the soft tissue in your foot, but not break anything…?”

I could still walk (well, limp) and had to wear sneakers. But that was about it. Sucks. No dancing. No heels. Limited time on my feet. Bummer.

Option 4: give your computer a “benign” virus…
Holy shit! The apple genius says it’s going to take x amount of hours and x amount of dollars to fix. Like your car, your bus pass, et cetera, an “unexpected” cost can be forgiven…

Step 3: Do NOT talk about Valentine’s Day…
Remember the rules of Fight Club? Good. If you talk about it, SHE will think about it. If she’s thinking about it more than she already is, then YOU will arouse suspicion if you choose any of the above options. Get caught up in “work drama” (no details, just “drama”)… have your boys call you about a pick up game of ball (hardwood is conducive to soft tissue injuries. So is ice hockey)…talk about your car making a funny noise…if you’re always on point about your stuff, start losing track of shit.

DO. NOT. SUGGEST. “SKIPPING”. IT.

Is Valentine’s Day a crass commercial made-up holiday designed to sucker in people into thinking that true romance needs a special day? Special should be whenever the moment calls for it! Not forced. Not imposed. Not directed! What if you don’t even like pink or red?

Not being sarcastic. I really feel that way about V-Day.

Does SHE really feel that way? Not sure? No? Then, I repeat: Do. Not. Suggest. Skipping. It.

Step 3: Pick a fight…
Now, steps 1 and 2 may lead to a fight depending on your delivery. But in case they don’t, you’ll need to pick a fight.

THIS is tricky and I only advise that you do it if you are an excellent poker player. You need to be able to have the face for this. You have to be like John.

Think. What do you do regularly that annoys her? Think…you know she’s cussed your for it. Think back to those times when you’ve turned her voice into one that sounds like an adult in Charlie Brown’s world…Think.

Got it?

Okay. Now do it. Then, when she gets pissed off, do something else. THEN, when she’s really pissed ask, “what’s the big deal?” or something else that will trigger her. Laugh it off. Call it “silly”.

THEN. When she is really pissed and is yelling. Offer to take her out to make it up for her. But offer something that she hates. I had one ex do a thing that annoyed me. Then something else. Then he offered to take me out to a lovely spot in Yorkville and treat me to shrimp cocktails.

I’m deathly allergic to seafood. It really pissed me that he always forgot. I didn’t speak to him for a few days. (sidebar: my BFF of 26 years forgets all the time as well, so technically, I’m used to people forgetting what kills me)

Step 4: Go Dark
WARNING: THIS IS HIGH LEVEL…you ONLY do this if you live together, have children, are married, or have something else that would make extracting herself from your relationship difficult. If you’re just dating or in a relationship without cohabitation, you run an approximately 90% chance of getting your ass dumped.

Going dark, is the most passive aggressive move you can do as a human being. To be unresponsive, to keep her out of your head? To not share? Not even to say “I’m trying to figure stuff out and need some quiet time to do so”? YOU are an asshole. This is the ultimate asshole move. You can only get away with it ONCE, and only if it’s cheaper to keep you…

Or, if she’s really into Valentine’s Day, you could suck it up and do something that’s actually nice and romantic, rather than try to weasel your way out of it.

That’s always an option.