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This weekend, I could have…maybe…possibly…sort of…
Gone out on a date.
You see, this is how it goes: a man tells you that you’re pretty – no, actually the word used was “beautiful” – funny, smart, blah blah blah. Then says…
“we should hang out sometime”.
So…yeah.
Now kiddies, I’m relatively new to dating. In the past, I’ve been a friend with a guy and it segued into a relationship; meaning I only started dating in my 30s. So, when a guy suggests to me that we should “hang out”…
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THAT MEANS!
Turns out, I’m not alone. To every WOMAN I’ve asked this of, I get a head nod, a few “yes, girl…” and occasionally an enthusiastic “PREACH”. But when I address this issue with men, I get…
“it’s the new millennium…”
“isn’t that what a date is? Two people hanging out?”
“why is it so important that it be called a ‘date’?”
(sighs deeply)
Why?
WHY?
(the next sentence has been written with my full Toronto accent)
Because in the last five years, I’ve been out on TWO dates! TWO MOTHERFUCKING DATES GUY! I’ve “hung out” ‘nuff times…but an actual DATE? (kiss teeth). Yo, there is an obvious disconnect here.
(takes another deep breath and reverts to the HLBB tone)
Seriously? Is it that hard? You find a woman attractive, both physically and mentally. Enough to ask her out…to spend time with her without an entourage or chaperone…maybe enough to try and get laid after.
But, yeah…
I’m going to put this post in my voice, but I’m paraphrasing a LOT of conversations I’ve been having on this topic.
WOMEN hang out with friends…
WOMEN hang out with family members (i.e. “I’m hanging out with my cousin)…
WOMEN hang out with their kids (“mommy/daughter day! Just hanging out!”)…
WOMEN hang out with coworkers and catch a few drinks on a patio…
WOMEN hang out on GOOGLE+ in group chats! Yeah, Google calls it a “hangout”…
WOMEN,
DO NOT GET DRESSED UP, SHAVE/WAX, WEAR NICE PERFUME/MAKEUP and DO ALL THAT OTHER SHIT with effort just to “hang out” with you!
Guys: “well, HLBB, if she considers it ‘a date’ then let her act that way! Why the hang ups about two words?”
Here are two more words for you: Bull. Shit.
(yes English majors, I know that’s one word. I’m making a point here)
You need to man the fuck up and use your words. Women are not asking for a lifetime commitment when you ask them for that first date. They’re asking you to commit to an activity…on a set day…at a set time…that takes place over a few hours…that involves one to one interaction…possibly some conversation. Hell, you may even get laid. That’s right darling boys. Sex happens on those things called “dates”.
Now, if that’s not enough incentive for you, let’s try to get to the root of your problem.
Why are women “hung up” on the word “date”?
It’s a sign…that you see us as more than “friend” or “one night stand material” (if it ends up being that way, oh well, losses cut). That the idea of the two of you going to a movie, lunch, or even to get ice cream, was NOT just an afterthought…it shows that you actually GAVE it some thought.
The scenario: You meet. You exchange numbers/PINS/emails. You text back and forth…you flirt a little…you find out that like you, she likes chilling on patios and watching people walk by. You say…
“We should make a date of it. Compare observations. What’s your favourite patio?”
BOOM! See how easy that was? No big planning efforts. No agonizing over whether to see that movie or not. You know she’s going to like the activity because SHE JUST SAID SHE LIKES DOING IT.
But instead you THINK to yourself that it’s cool she likes to do the exact same thing as you, and say,
“Cool. Maybe we should hang out sometime…”
(facepalm)
When I write it out for you, do you see the difference? Do I have to draw an infographic? Has it come to that point? Have you ever wondered why that HOT girl put you in the friend zone? Well, scroll back up a bit…
WHO do women hang out with?
Yeah…
This is your challenge for the rest of the month. The next woman you want to hang out with, I dare you. I double dare you. I TRIPLE dare you, to replace the words “hang out” with “a date”. I want you to see the difference in the response you get. Note the intonation. The level of enthusiasm. The wardrobe choices when you see her… then come back and we’ll compare notes.
Let’s make a date of it. I’ll check in with you on July 31.
(ETA – no one. Not one person stood up and said that they asked a woman on a date…)
xoxo, HLBB
p.s. to those who wondered…I decided 10 minutes in that it was most definitely NOT a date. And we’ll only be hanging out occasionally….
Still up for grabs.
(yup, the most dreaded sentence known to man…)
So…. let’s talk.
Last night was Come and Talk to Me 2 and well…
*crickets*
No. One. Talked.
The men who said they’d be there, who said with great bravado that they would win. That they were the most cunning of linguists…
Didn’t even show up.
The ladies showed, the judges showed, I showed.
Still searching for that cunning linguist.
Was it timing? Was it the heat? I don’t know, because last year, you came out. On Sunday, I hosted an event called Battle of the Sexes. One of the topics was Toronto stereotypes. One example given was that Toronto men are wack; that they have no game; that when Yankees or Montrealers come to town, that they have the women at “hello”.
I stood in front of that audience with full confidence and said “ah visitors are cool, but I LOVE my Toronto men…”
Then last night happened…
*crickets*
Now, a couple of guys showed up (but to observe, not to compete), and instead of Come and Talk to Me, we just talked. We shared stories. Asked each other questions. If you followed me on Twitter last night, you got snippets of this lively, dirty, and enlightening conversation. I’ll be honest: I thought I was running out of things to write about, but last night showed me that there is still so much to say.
So after about 30 minutes, I wiped the egg off my face, and said “screw it”. Ignored the mic and paid attention to the conversation around me. It was amazing, it’s the kind you didn’t want to miss…it’s the kind that built this blog.
But darlings… There are going to be a ton of women who are going to read this and say, “SEE? HLBB we told you these guys stay losing! They’ll never talk to us…they’ll just stare from across the room and never say a damn thing.” Or as one hilarious woman put it last night, you’ll be, “a restraining order waiting to happen.”
But this isn’t Toronto men, right? They don’t all want to stare, or just try their best lines in private. Right?
RIGHT?
I’m going to be an idealist. I’m going to continue searching. I’ll keep the certificate on my desk, and in a few months, we’ll go back to Saviari (which has an amazing drink menu…the most creative in the city) and we’ll put the mic up.
May the best man speak…
xoxo/hlbb
